A letter from May 27th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, Do you have a partner? Are they hot? Are you out yet? Have you danced the devil's tango? Are you bartender? If so, why are you bad at it? Are you still friends with Maria? 8133256226. Text her, *****. What about Peyton, Logan, or Reyna? If not, sucs. Are you a famous fanfiction writer? Are you a journalist or a plumber? If so, think back on your life and ask yourself. "Why am I ***?" Do you still read? Specifically, fanfiction. Have you pegged somebody? Do you own *** toy? What about karate? Do you still do that? What about playing the viola? Did you already quit, you dumb *****? Is your partner an ILF? If not, rethink life. I'm 15, have braces, all options romantically but still have no partner. Kinda sucks. No friends at school, wish I was being bullied, at least I'd be relevant. Mental illnesses? Currently only 1. Off the books? Many more. ZOOMing w Maria right now. Did y'all have a nasty falling out? If so, whose fault was it? Do you have pets? Or *****? If neither, **** you. How lame. No pet OR *****? I'm disappointed. You had every chance and yet you blew it, like a bj you've never given. Did you marry? Rich? If not, divorce. What's your net worth? Probably negative. Which is what happens when you DONT marry rich, you dumb *****. Tattoo? If not, then you gotta. has to say "Wine em, dine em, 69 em" to commemorate Laura. Maria wants a JOHN CENA tattoo for you so if you don't you suck ***. Parents? Do they hate you? Are you still invited to Thanksgiving? If not, of course not. You r *** and they are homophobic and jealous you have more options, so that tracks. Are you dating somebody taller or shorter than you? I'm assuming you've dated at least once, because if not, god**** it. Did you beat teen pregnancy? RIP that ***** ayyyyy. Do you still have TIK TOK? ******* nerd. Did you ever finish writing anything at all? If so, what did you do after that? Probably nothing, you dumb piece of ****. Names for future S/O -Marcus -Lucy -Eleanor -Lacy -David -Alex -Rob -Sage -Nova -Onceler -Marlene -Nick -Clay (If you date a clay, I'll **** you) -Kyle (Same as Clay but like somehow worse???) -Dahlia -Lily -Karl -Nikki -Tobby -Tim(othy O'Neal) -Jack -Phil -Marie -Liz -Daisy -Ivy -Destiel -Rory These are the only names you're allowed to date. Anyways, congrats on not kys, probably if you're reading this. Sincerely, Laura and Maria -)