A letter from May 26th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, I hope since I’ve written this that you’ve gotten better- mentally, emotionally, and physically. I hope you’ve learned to set boundaries for yourself and end relationships with people who don’t respect them. I hope you’ve learned to care less- and of course I want you to be as kind and as caring and probably as naive as you are now, because I really think we have a good heart and I don’t want that to go away or for you to feel numb. When I say I hope you’ve learned to care less, I mean that I hope you only care about those who care for you. I hope you learned the difference between platonic and romantic love, and learned to treat people accordingly instead of giving unconditional love to people (friends, loved ones) who you know don’t care the same way you do. I know we have already been struggling with this for years, and I can only hope you learn to love yourself enough to care less for others. I know you’re skinny, and you’re quite fit and only weigh 110 lbs right now but a part of me still feels so fat and disgusted by my body. I hope you’ve gotten over this and treat your body with all the love it deserves. I know you’re working on it, we’re getting Invisalign in a few weeks and then hopefully laser hair removal in the coming months- & I hope they make you feel better. But more than that I hope you’re being healthy- exercising despite having a fast metabolism, cutting down on unhealthy foods, and nourishing your body. I hope you went to see a therapist or a psychologist by now. I’m planning on it right now but realistically I don’t know when I’ll get around to it so I really hope you have. && I know we are okay but we both know our brain works a little bit different than other people, so I’d really like to know what it is. Is it a result of childhood trauma I’ve never considered? Do I have some disorder I never knew existed? or am I simply so in my head about it when what we feel and say is normal? I hope that you’re well on your way to accomplishing the goals I have been putting off for myself. I don’t believe in “not feeling motivated”, because I don’t think you can feel motivated until you’ve put in that first steps to feel accomplished. But we all need to start somewhere and rn I won’t lie I am being lazy- but still doing some stuff so cut me some slack. We both know we can accomplish all we set our mind to, but right now I really don’t have the energy. I hope you’ve managed to do it. I hope you’ve purchased a home, have at least three sources of income, and are able to give mom and dad the support they need. I hope mom and dad are doing well, and that you’re telling them everyday just how much they mean to you. I hope you still give them kisses and cuddle up with them when you’re not feeling too good, because that always does the trick. I hope you’re going out on walks with them in the evenings, having chats about life and listening to all the stories they tell you about their lives and the childhoods they had that were cut too short because they had to have us kids and take care of us in a time when they had nothing. But most importantly, I hope you’ve learned everything they have to teach you. I hope you listened to all of moms advice on the importance of doing what you enjoy in this life and all of dads business tricks/tips that he’s trying to give you, in an effort to help you succeed. It’s an impossible feat, to become anything close to the people they are- but i think that if you can become even half of the people they are, you can officially say you’ve made it. I also hope you have found someone who cares about you, and is deserving of the love you’re so quick to give out. I hope he makes you feel alive and pushes you to get out of your comfort zone, all while holding your hand. I hope he’s someone you can learn from, be it about the stars or basketball or whatever his passions may be. I hope he takes care of you and your needs, and that your standards never need to swoop for him. I hope he is well-travelled, and kind to you. I hope you’re not thinking of H anymore. You’ve been with guys after him, and I know you still think about him everyday. It’s any day now that the news of his engagement will come. Will you still think about how his day was, when he’s married? Will you sit and wonder if he got home safe at night, or think about that morning you went over to wake him up, or the day that changed it all for you guys? Right now I wonder what could have been with us, because all these years later I’ve never felt the way I did with him, with someone else. Will I ever? Do you feel otherwise? Please tell me you do and I’m a ridiculous child who doesn’t know what love is. I hope you’re still working in the non-profit sector or doing charity/volunteer work on your free time. Maybe you ended up going back to school for social work, or got that job at Unicef that you had hoped for. And if not, that’s okay too- but you used to love it so I hope that your heart hasn’t changed and you still try to help others in some capacity. And it’s okay if all that entails is holding the door open for someone walking by, or giving a stranger a genuine compliment. I just hope your heart is still in the same place in that regard. && if all I hope for you to achieve in this letter isn’t achieved, just remember that you know better. I just hope that you are in a better place. That’s all. -20 year old you