A letter from May 21st, 2021

Dear FutureMe, JESUS, I'm kind of, really stressed cause guess who failed geometry lmao. Yeah so it's the first day of summer and I'm just waiting for Mom to get home from work. I felt like pooping lol. I assume it's the anxiety lol, because OOo them stomach pains omg. I took my anxiety meds though and I guess I feel better. Let me just document this real quick, it's May 21, 2021 and I've been taking my anxiety medication for about two weeks now. Right now, I'm taking 25mg of Zoloft (sertraline hcl) and I just finished a bottle of hydroxyzine 25mg. I mean, I guess it's working, I'm actually not too sure about that. I feel like I'm not self aware and that hurts me. I mean ,am I faking it?! I really hope not because if this is life, I'd like to off myself soon. Also though I feel like the doctor at my psych appointment really dismissed my depression. I also feel like noting that my jaw hurts and I can't seem to relax it. I also recently applied to work at Quiktrip and had my interview Tuesday, May 18,2021. I was quite nervous for it but it was quick and after I went to Dallas with my sister and brother-in-law to North Park and then to a ramen place called Ichigoh Ramen Lounge. It was really good and I especially enjoyed the Ichigoh buns with chicken. I could eat like, ten of those things. Anyway though, I'm anticipating the call back from them, I so hope that I get the job. Why does it take that long for them to tell me. Well it's only been three days since the interview but ignore that lol. But I'm just excited to finally get a job and start to save up for when I can move out. I feel like my patience with dealing with Mom is deteriorating at twice the speed now. I can't handle being called fat and getting completely bummed out when I find out that she won't go to work and that I have to deal with her all day. I want to say that the things she constantly to me and my siblings is mental and emotional abuse but I'm I just being overly dramatic. Yesterday my older sister came over and Mom was here so of course we talked about all the terrible things she's done but lets not get into all that. Not the time to unpack ALL of that. I think I'll send this to myself in five years. One of the interview questions was where do you see yourself in 5 years so let me see what I think of this in five years. I have no idea where I'll be, will I even go to college? I wonder if I'll cry ab out what I talked about cause I'll remember this as the most miserable times of my life or will I be in the same spot mentally. I really hope that I still have my two best friends around me at least. We've been a friends for 5 years now, hopefully we can continue for another 5. My goal is to just be happier and content. fav songs atm: La Gata Bajo la Lluvia- Rocio Durcal, ******** -Slowed + Reverb- Magdalena Bay, Body and Mind- Girl in Red, Over the Moon- The Marias, XS-Rina Sawayama, Saw You in a Dream- The Japanese House hornylovesickmess- Girl in Red, Butter- BTS, K.- Cigarettes After ***