A letter from May 20th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, HEY HEY HEY! How are you doing, Ryan? It is currently 23:13pm on the 20th of May 2021. I haven't written you one of these in a while so I decided it was time to pour out a piece of my soul yet again for you to read. In typical Ryan fashion, I wrote a fraction of this letter and left it sitting since December completely forgotten. Now though, we're writing again! I think I'll write two letters, one will be for you to read in ONE years time, and the other will be in FIVE years time. It's a little terrifying to think about what life will be like in a whole five years honestly, will we still be alive then? Where will you be and what sort of life will you be leading? This will be the longer letter, for the you that will be very far ahead in the life game. So buckle up while I bring you up to speed on your past self (In case you've forgotten, I'm usually so bad at writing these. I just looked at the previous ones on my gmail and they're laughable but charming too): Currently you're working in Novartis as a Graduate Scientific Writer. The current plan will be studying at TU Dresden next year, a Master's in Regenerative Biology! You just got the news yesterday that they're extending your contract to permanent, and although it would be easy to stay forever, this job isn't where your heart is. The people are cool, the work is challenging, but it doesn't bring the key ingredient needed: joy. I think you'll be sensible to leave next year, and if you didn't well - that's okay too! You're even taking German lessons at the moment in preparation. That dream of being bilingual better come true. In fact, you've got a german lesson tomorrow! Naveen and you broke up in October. But you're both best friends still, and that's a more valuable relationship long term. Will you still be talking in 5 years? Maybe! He's a great person, and both of you watched Eurovision together earlier. This year there's a lot of fabulous songs, including Ukraine and Russia, both of which you want to win, and France too! You like Ukraine a little bit more though. In terms of music, you're listening to 'Blue Banisters' by Lana Del Rey but slowed down, it's a gorgeous piece of music. And it only came out today in fact!! At the moment there's a lot of interesting songs in your playlists, a lot of Keaton Henson, Ólafur Arnalds, and Hammock. ALSO, you are totally obsessed with the show Shadow and Bone, which was released last month - AND HOPEFULLY it'll get renewed for a few more seasons. Imagine if in 5 years the show was only finishing up. The cast and books are amazing, you're still not finished King of Scars yet. The pandemic is still very much alive right now, we've been getting 400-500 cases every day for months. The vaccine rollout is good though, and by the end of the year things might calm down finally. You really want to travel next year before starting the Master's! Can you imagine the places you'd see? Of course you can, because ideally you will have visited them! If not, hopefully there's been plenty of other adventures in the past 5 years. I still can't fathom it, 5 years is HUGE. I can't even see 1 year ahead at present. In terms of life, being home is difficult. You fight with Mum and Sophie a lot but it's all good fun at the end of the day. Sophie is nearly finished her degree now, only a little bit of things to wrap up. She'll be interning at mum's workplace over the summer - who knows if she'll enjoy it though... You're also learning more about yourself - guess what! It's only the past few months that you've come to understand asexuality, and even still 'understand' might be a bit generous. Will you have a better grasp of it in 5 years? Who knows. All I know right now is that it's difficult sometimes. Really difficult to see how meaningful relationships could form when there's so few aces around. But I'm certain given time it'll all make sense. In work today you were a little sad, as one of the workmates seemed so happy and content with his partner (At least it seemed like it). You felt an intense longing for that same feeling. There was almost a confusion - was it infatuation with the person themself or what the person had possessed? WHO KNOWS! Maybe he also reminded me subconsciously of Naveen, he was a little bit like him, and very handsome. You've struggled a lot recently in that regard - there's been a heavy sense of loneliness, but of course during the past few months everybody has been experiencing the same. These sensations always come to me and inspire me to write these letters, and then they disappear as quickly, leaving only the words as evidence they existed at all. But ANYWAYS, there's been cool people to talk to on Ace-book, though a lot of them have disappeared for the past while. Maybe you'll still use it in the future. Hélène just sent a lovely text to cheer you up, great timing! She always knows the right things to say. Hopefully you will still be very close to her in 5 years, she's a very special person. It's a bit mad to think less than 2 years ago you didn't know her! And now she's one of your dearest friends. At the moment, you haven't seen her (and most of your friends) in a full year. When will you get to see them again? Soon. Chloe is good too, very sick at the moment with some chronic conditions - will they be better in 5 years? I really hope so. Chloe has suffered too much, even in the space of the few years you have known them. Time for some goodness! On a more dark note, you've become a bit fascinated with *****. Maybe it's because the constant exposure to it on the news, through covid, and the violence in Palestine too. For a long time, dying didn't scare you at all. But now, the thought of ending life is terrifying. If there's truly nothing afterwards, then every waking moment is infinitely valuable. There are no cheats on hand either. Dying is the one thing we are all destined to do, and it's been programmed into us from the moment this world began. The graveyard close to your house in Mullingar has been a spot for walks recently, and seeing all the mould climbing up the gravestones is a reminder, that once you're gone, very quickly a person is forgotten. There's a sadness to that fact, but also a sense of peace. Graveyards don't seem to be lonely places at all strangely. Your close friends at the moment are also Lynne and Clifton, who you call all the time. They've been invaluable during these lonely months. There's been a lot of wonderful laughs to keep you going. In 5 years, both of them will be finished their PhDs, which is insane. They've only just started their journeys, and I hope they discover amazing things. You're still deciding whether that road is for you - I love the sound of 'Dr' before your name. It's always been an option in the back of your mind, and I'm VERY curious to see if that's the path we take in the future. Writing has also been a little hobby you've taken up the past month. Hope you keep it up! You've always loved it. Writing is a beautiful art form, and if we're ever going to publish books we'll have to get VERY good at it. So keep going. There's so many stories in your head, and there always have been. The fantasy world of Venigium, for example, which you've been carrying around for almost 6 years now probably. Starting out this letter, I felt quite lonely and sad. Today made me a little sad, as I explained above. But now, after spending the rest of the hour typing these words down, I feel like a weight has lifted. I hope when you read these words, they have the same effect. They will lift you up, Voilà. I hope things are going amazingly well for you, Ryan. Thank you for reading! Love you lots! - Your past self.