A letter from May 18th, 2021

Hi, from 17 year old me. If you're reading this right now I should be 22, and I hope that I'm the one reading it and I didn't die or in a coma. Right now I'm writing this letter in english class for an assignment in Mr. Nielsen's class. This past year has been all online learning in quarantine and i've learned a lot from it, like the fact that if you give me the chance to not move all day then i won't… in fact if u give me the chance to not move for a whole year I won't! School has been feeling like something that doesn't exist all senior year. Almost like the way that twitter or tiktok doesn’t truly exist. It was only recently when the classes have been slightly going back in person that it feels like this is it, that this is my last year of highschool. I would've never expected to want to go to school throughout all my highschool and middle school years. Staying home feels less like a luxury and more like a burden that won't go away, which is also something I would've never imagined that I would think. Things are opening up though and I think that's cause for celebration in of itself, I'm starting to feel normal again. Lately I've been working on taking better care of myself.. Though stressing about the future. By the time i'm reading this i hope that i have things figured out.. Somewhat. I think at the very least I would be happy to hear that I don't feel like I regret anything that I've done. I've come to a crossroads in my life recently about what i'm doing after highschool, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be moving to NY and living with my sister for college.. But the thought of that is frightening. If i decide to move or if i decide to stay home i just hope that i don't regret my decision. Leaving everything behind that I grew up with and feel comfortable with is a scary thought. I hope that 5 years in the future that I'm more mentally healthy and I've found a partner to love. I hope I find new people in my life that make me feel loved and make me feel at home. I also hope that by that time I will have a better relationship with myself as well and my body that I have to live in. My dream is that I've made a lot of art that I'm proud of and I'm successful somewhat with it. I'm still not sure what I want to do with my life, but I still know that I want to include art into it. I've wanted to work on comics, on animation, or on tattoos , but i'm not really sure which i want more and which i like the most… but they say that the average person goes through 3 careers in their life, so maybe i can go through all of them! My world lately I've been seeing with more sentiment since I've been offered the chance to leave everything here in Santa Clarita that's made me happy. My life is mostly centered around Leila and my friends to be honest. Leila is my everything and i'm afraid i won't be able to take her if i move.. She sleeps beside me every night and sometimes I truly believe that she understands what I say to her. She brings me the most comfort of all. I think she's around 6 right now so that means she'll be 11 when you're reading this. I wonder what she'll be like when she’s old. I think she might just be slower and calmer, which can be nice since after we got her fixed this year she's been so high energy. Other than that I've been spending a lot of time with my friends. I’ve rekindled friendships I've had lately, with friends like Bea, Aly, and James back into my life almost as a way to say goodbye kind of before I go. But mostly I've spent my time, and all of quarantine, with Cole and Emma. They’re friends I've had my ups and downs with but overall the people in my life right now who understand me the most and who I can be myself around. I think that I really feel at home on days that I'm with them and we're just laughing and I'm talking about the craziest things. I think in those moments I feel the most comfortable and relieved of stress..when we're joking and every joke is funny because humor comes easy. I'm happy that I've rekindled my friendship with bea as well, i feel like she's one of my only friends who has taken the time to actually understand me. I feel like I owe her the world. Recently I've gotten my license, so also a comfort comes from driving on my own and playing my own music. Even though driving can be scary at times.. Music has always been a comfort for me. There's something about being by myself though and having something else to focus on while I listen that's therapeutic. I've recently gotten a job as a lifeguard so, besides school, that's what's been taking up my time lately. Ive also found myself looking around my life and wondering what ill miss the most, like leila or the things in my room or coffee shops i frequent. Moving away feels so real and distant at the same time, maybe im just being dramatic. My world has been consumed lately by my interests, friends, work, and slightly school. I think that i'll miss it here a lot at times like this. Because when its good its great and i hope i can find this goodness anywhere that i go.