A letter from May 18th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, fallen down by toby fox. whatever ur doing rn stop and listen to it. only 57 secs long. makes u think huh? all the times we went through. this is the definition of my dissociation. makes me think of the dark outside on my little patio. But I'm also looking out of my big window, except it looks different. A time I never experienced but can feel and see so clearly. like I've been there all the time. a gloomy night but the clouds make it bright out. enough to see the stars. the patio light is on. but the patio looks different. I cant stare at the wall and see it. tears come out but I can't explain why. I want to be there. why do I see it if I've never seen it. gives me the same vibe of tata or Danny bringing me inside when I was younger if I fell asleep on the car ride home. a time of nostalgia and sadness. why does that song have such a connection to me? Same with space song and I can't handle change. I live through music. even times I never went through. It transports me to somewhere deep in my mind. A past life maybe. and I can't tell if I was ever happier there than I am here. I am not happy here. Nowhere is safe. music is where I feel most safe. I need to try and shift somewhere better if I ever learn how to do that. Everything is sadness recently. I can barely keep my head above water izabella. i finished my shampoo and conditioner at the same time but I promised myself I would never do that. "I'm not like that" is what I always say. I'm afraid to die. I am, but then why do I think like this. I'm not perfect and the fact that I think I'm not actually "depressed" is funny. I am like this. I'm a sad, lonely, dramatic, and insecure child with a victim complex. I hope in 5 years to bloom into someone I always wanted to be. Someone who's there for others but doesn't forget to look after herself first. Someone who is content with her mental state. Someone who has found people who truly care about her and would act the same way she does for them. In 5 years I hope I'll laugh and say " oh you're being dramatic it wasn't actually that bad,, I'm you". I hope I'll be able to laugh like that because right now, I haven't laughed in so long. I hope I get a genuine belly laugh where good tears come rolling out of my eyes. Where I can't stop laughing if I tried. Like if someone said something funny in an inappropriate situation but I can't hold it in so I pee. I'm manifesting that moment for myself. I hope my past pain brings my future some happiness and clarity. thank you for remembering to check your email. thank you for staying alive. to us, iz