A letter from May 17th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, I wanted 5 years to make it more impactful. So the thing is I made a journal and stopped writing in it for a while now but it was to record how you felt about things. But everything felt the same, sure nothing horrible happened but nothing good either. I do understand now that through my lenses some stuff appear more bad than they were but overall they were still just bleak. Even though I live without directionless because i can’t live for happiness, helping others or for someone despite how want to, I can’t and I mainly had no one which really hurt me when I needed one, I couldn’t talk to anyone, my friends had their own things and my parents had a language but mostly they couldn’t understand the deeper meaning in my words. To be fair I took for granted My best friend, one of the only people to stick their neck out and one of the few people I can tolerate, I was having mixed feeling if we had to separate, if I’d do better or worse without him. I always hoped next year would be better but it always got consistently worse. At least I’ve gotten better at it, well at least present it in a less embarrassing way. I’m really scared of investing just to be disappointed because that’s all of my life so far, in every relationship to goals everything I want turns sour. Like my birthdays, speaking of which, I’m 18 now, I always wanted to have the youth in which I still believe that we both remember but we didn’t obviously, maybe we had to much expectations but still I’ve learned to accept that mine wasn’t the one I wanted but I get sadder the more I hope for it like I’m at my weakest when I want more. I gave up on trying to live a out of this world life, to having a friend group who does everything, to just have one special partner, to a adopting and I do think adopting is great, probably more than I think right now, but I keep changing my goals for it to be more accomplishable. That’s disappointing isn’t it? But still I guess I keep living because I know things can get worse but I hope things get better.