A letter from May 15th, 2021

Hey girl, You feel so sad today. You've realised that a lot of your memories have a default sadness to them. Parhaps this is because of your underlying anxiety which has plagued you for years. I learnt a long time ago that the last time you think of a memory, it changes again and again based of the previous time you 'view' it. This fact came around to me again and this time I realised that maybe a lot of the good memories I have have vanished because I can only remember the negative. In photos where I am smiling, there's either always a silver lining of anxiety and dread, or I feel guilty for being happy and I feel like I was being selfish. I hate this. I hate this I hate this. So I've decided that I'm going to try and remember things with happy silver linings from now on, this is your reminder if you have forgotten it already or if you still do this, please remember that you are allowed, worthy and accepted as a happy and joyful person. You are your best when you are happy. You are not at your best right now and things like; - aging - the loss of childhood - the prospect of adulthood - your parents aging - constantly worrying 24/7 Are creeping up on you. And ***** you deserve to feel the most joyful, because why in the hell not? Don't worry about me. I'm just a sad girl who wants uni to be over, and when you're sad, the other sadness creeps back in, and I don't know why I harbour such sadness but I do. Feeling sad for me is almost addictive and I feel like I need nurturing but it's too late and I'm devistated. But, I have so much to be greatful for, it's hard to be greatful all the time as for me, gratitude comes with guilt for not being grateful enough, and not being able to truly express myself. But ****. I love you my girl. You are so loved and you're gonna make the world a ******* great place for the people you encounter and then some. Hope you're looking after yourself and don't let the above get to you, I didn't have a diary to hand and I wanted to vent to someone. You're my ******* best friend. With love and abundance you absolute hero. C. xox