A letter from May 14th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, I am doing 50/50. As of now, I am 19 years old, 20 in 4 months. I got accepted into art school. I have made friends on discord and things have been looking up. Depression is a bully, however. No matter how much good in my life, it's never enough to keep it away. Do you still struggle. I cope with nothing but a journal. I am tempted to smoke a bit but I only know it would leave me with bad reinforcements that will lead to addiction. Runs in the family yannow. I hope you sought help. I can't imagine what it will truly be like away from home and a whole new pressure I have never felt. But it's good that we left, right? We couldn't be in the same house as ma and Diego. I have to leave my boys behind tho which I am dreading. My dad and bird are comforts to me. Are you okay? In four years I would have graduated. Please tell me I graduated. I hope I was successful in finding work. Did you ever fully come out? Did we decide on a label or are we still using the umbrella term, "queer"? Do ma and pa know abt that secret tattoo I got this spring break? Do we still talk to anyone from high school. I already feel us drifting. Is Liliana still in your life? Who's your best friend now? I only hope you have found happiness and meaning. My teenage years have not treated me well so I hope you are doing better. I don't talk to Diego because you know why. Did you ever find closure and move on? Are we able to be in a conversation without getting irritated? It's not that I hate him, I just dislike the person he is. That does not mean he is not redeemable in my eyes. I only hope ma has remained sober. It's been over three years I believe. I cannot bear to be away if she is not mentally well. I hope both ma and pa can live peacefully. They deserve the world. Please, I. hope you have treated your body with care. I have been stuck in my own body forever. I hope I found balance and developed confidence. Have I gotten the blessing to experience love? You know I have been dry all my life. I don't know if you are pessimistic or hopeful to find companionship. I always wanted kids and give my parents grandkids. To fulfill my soul and break the cycle of abuse. To pass my wisdom and shape a human being. It's alright if you are not ready or if you changed your mind, I just want to let you know that youngin Maya was hopeful for the idea of children. You are still young mate. On your way to 25 years old. yikes. You are one old ************. Please value friends and family. Do not be like me now and be afraid to ask for help when I desperately need it. Share your truth and focus on being the best person. If you cannot see yourself in my expectations, please take this as a wake-up call. If the world is not in shambles, know that there is nothing better than a redemption arc. You are beautiful regardless. You are worthy of anything and everything. Go get that bread. I love you. You know one thing; I would always think that when I would read my diaries from years before, how I wish I could hug my past self. I imagine that now. I truly need the hug. Don't know if you do but I know if you could, you would. <3 -Maya