Happy birthday!

I’m 20 now and I still don’t know who I’m becoming, or at the very least who I am currently. Tonight has me in a confused state of mind. I’m on good terms with mom (for once) & I love my sister more than ever (as always). Then why do I feel like a parasite in my life? A stranger to my own self, to the people around me? It’s hard to explain. I feel like... I could just disappear today & nothing would change. I wonder where I’ll go once I’m dead. Somewhere better or worse? Would I feel like I’ve managed to do something worthwhile then?