A letter from May 11th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, Hello, it's me your worst version of self I hope. It's been so rough and bad these times that I wanted to write a letter to future me, not gonna lie I also saw a lot of people doing it so, yeah. I wonder what you're doing. I want to say that I dream of you everyday hoping that when I evolve to become you it'll all be better. I'm going through a lot of stuff right now and I kinda wanna let you in, this doesn't mean that im not grateful on the contrary this means that I'm grateful enough to look forward. I am super stressed and overthinking all the time im really rarely if any feeling happy or relaxed. I feel empty sad and just numb all the time I really can't remember the last time I laughed or enjoyed myself and the thing is that I don't know what will make me happy to do it, like some people find happiness in hiking others in painting and drawing or music but for me I don't have any hobbies or anything in this world that whenever I do im happy and that makes me sad. I love my family but im so sad to my dad and mom are always fighting and its just so toxic at home everyones not happy. My dad is working so hard he's physically and mentally drained and I don't know what to do to help him my mom is always complaining how controlling dad is on her and how he just puts his nose into everything, im worried and sad on my dad because he's getting so tired from work and he's old now and I want to end my mom's suffering and help her just live freely and im sad because my small brother is forgetting his own language and is turning into a completely different odd person, my big brother is just always in his room and would go years not moving, is it weird or not? Im so broken and tired of all of this I just want everything to go back to what I think our lifestyle is I want to go back to being young and not caring about anyone, I wanna be able to sleep regularly I wanna be able to not have stress. I wonder if you're in a better place now, are you? are you still in Vancouver? do you still not know what you're doing? I hope you pray now. I think that the most important thing in life is religion and doing what God asked us to do and he shall direct us, so please don't change except for the better, ok? do you still not drink and smoke? I hope not. I am suffering in silence and if you'd ask my family rn they'd say this is not silence but trust me if I look like im complaining or crying out loud to them then that's just 0.00001 of what I actually feel out of a billion or more. Do you still miss Fatouma? Do you still remember stuff and cry? I hope youre living your best life, you deserve it baby girl. Wow you're 22 you're old now lol im just 16 turning 17 in 2 months so yeah, I don't feel like it though, I feel like im a child trapped in an adult body, I've always felt this way. Did you go or got to visit Lebanon? I really miss my life back there I miss it so bad, I miss what we had, I just want to sleep in my bed I wanna look in to my mirror in my room. I love you and me so much. why do I have to hold so much more stuff than im supposed too? I want to have a house, I want to be able to travel with my family on vacations anytime we want, I want us to have our own company I don't want dad to work and get physically drained. Why does life treat us so bad? im at my worst right now I really am , im so so so lost and I can't stress it enough. Sometimes I think the bad in me rules me its like it lets me hate everything and everyone around me even my parents and I just want to get rid of it. I don't like school, I don't like the people and teachers there, I don't like anyone , and I think im mentally sick and I want a doctor asap or im gonna explode from anxiety an stress and overthinking. Dad is not who he used to be, mom is not who she used to be, big bro is not who he used to be, mounir is not who he used to be, and I am most definitely who I used to be and it breaks me. are you still trying to lose weight? the thing that destroyed you lol, I hope not I hope you have your perfect body by now. please thank me when you read this I really deserve it I really went through a lot and im too young for it im really holding on like barely, I feel so bad im in my darkest time and I can't share it with anyone because I know they all are dealing with a lot of stuff already too. im so sick and tired I feel so like **** like im the worst looking girl in the world like im a failure that can't do anything correctly and won't be anything in the future and it really freaks me out, the high expectations and what I know are my abilities freak me out. I don't want to be anybody I don't want to settle for less I wanna break open whatever bad thing im facing, but for some reason I feel like I can't. I hope you are doing great like the happiest you were I hope you have a house a big one now I hope you're traveling a lot I hope your dad has a successful business now I hope your family is so wealthy and healthy right now I hope your pursuing your dreams and I hope you meet your soulmate I hope you pray now most importantly. bye now gonna go cry for a bit or 2 for the 5307271834544145521 time a day lol. See you in 5 years super girl! love, Yourself.