A letter from May 8th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, I'm in a weird spot right now, but that's ok.. Deciding if I should go back to college has been stressful, I have all these things to factor in... well mostly one thing... money. I don't think I can afford college as is and it's really tough because I feel like I'll not only be letting my friends and family down, but also myself. I hope I've figured out some sort of "life". A computer science degree of any kind would be amazing to have, I know it would open so many opportunities for you that I think you would really enjoy. Anyway, I am 22 and I have never had a real relationship. Sure, I have had *** with some people, but I'm still super awkward, do not how to flirt, and I honestly don't even know who I am. I'm always thinking about how I should act and I'm never actually just living in the moment. I want things to change, but it seems I don't have a backbone. I have been searching far and wide, but nothing seems to appear. I feel uncomfortable sharing anything real about myself with anyone, maybe it's because I'm afraid it will hurt more if someone doesn't like the real me... which I don't even know who that is anymore because I've buried everything deep down into this compact little bag in my soul that keeps shrinking. I want to make real changes, like REAL changes, but I do not know where to start. I'm hoping this reaches you well and things are going good for you. If you are still stuck, it's not too late. I promise I'm going to try to do better to make things great for you; there is so much I want to do, but I have always been so afraid to. I think it is time for the real me to come out, no matter who that is, I have to show her. Otherwise I'll stay this shell of person I have been feeling like. If you are reading this thinking "I am exactly the same" I want you to stand up, scream, and light a car on fire. I'm kidding, but you have to do something... anything... I know you have so much to offer and I know it's super scary, but I need you to let that all out. You are amazing, beautiful, strong, ambitious, smart and cooler than you'll ever know. Yes, I did say smart, I know you struggle with that, feeling like you have nothing to offer, but you really do... Give out your ideas and show the world what it has been missing. Just because people in your past made you feel like you were stupid and had nothing to offer doesn't mean that's true, they were wrong about you and maybe insecure in their own ways, don't take it personally, you were a kid with a parent who struggled. So what you're a little awkward, everyone has awkward moments, just be confident in yourself, and own every little bit of it. I know I don't say this a lot, but I really love you. Not to sound conceited, but you have no idea how great you are. I wish you the best and I hope things are good for you. No matter your situation you can change it if you're not feeling happy about it. Not to sound morbid, but you could die at any moment, so just enjoy everything you do, the big things, the middle things, the little things, just absolutely everything. Not saying you have to be all cherry 24/7, but make every moment a great moment no matter what. You can do it, Ashleigh! Oh I am also going to start streaming on twitch, so I hope you stuck with that and are actually enjoying it. Again, I love you and hope you are having a wonderful life. Just read through this and realized that it has motivated present me to really start living life. I'm so grateful for everything and I know things will get better starting right now, I feel so motivated. I could be feeling extremely motivated because of the intense classical music I'm listening to, but we'll just say my strong words are what motivated. Ok, I think that is it for now. I wonder where to start? I do not know, but I know there are options. I'm so excited for you, like I'm just thinking of the beautiful growth you have had, and the beautiful relationships you've had. P.S I hope you still have linguine... With lots of love, awkward 22 year old Ash who is ready to make a change