A letter from May 6th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, Today I saw my ex’s gf, It’s not like I saw a stranger. At one point I thought we were friends, At one point I thought she’d actually have my back but instead she lied and ended up with my ex. But I’ve been thru this and I know he probably got her to lie to me, to hide their relationship, to stop talking to me and then block me all tg. I’m so sad, when I saw her my legs felt so weak and my heart felt like it dropped. I saw him about to pull into the drive way then reverse and leave. I wonder what he was thinking, was he being selfish and Thinking of how he didn’t want to feel the discomfort of being in the same room with two girls he’s dated or was he scared..I just feel like I want a hug, maybe from him, maybe not from him I DONT KNOW I thought it was over it but some times it starts to feel like I need closure... like I need him to tell me WHY why he did everything he did. I just want an answer I just want a reason. I’m am dying inside some times and don’t let myself feel that pain Bc I’ve some how convinced myself that crying ab the whole thing equals me not being over him and that’s just UNACCEPTABLE bc having in him in my life would be the same as choosing self destructing and betraying myself all I’ve gone thru and worked thru, dismantling every small thing I used to build myself back up. I just think of my 16 year old self, falling hard for him, falling for ever word and every gesture smallest to largest. Slowly letting him in and slowly trusting him, slowly letting him get closer to me. To my mind, to my heart, to my body. Letting him know everything wrong with my world so he could apear to make them right if I was with him. I wish I could hug myself..drag myself out of the trance and avoid the things that happened from happening. I can’t blame anyone around me for not reaching out I felt okay, I convinced myself I was fine so much so that I felt no pain and a false sense of relief...I told my friend about how ok I was and I wonder if it was to convince myself even more but now..now I am not ok and I can’t pretend anymore.