A letter from May 4th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, I’m lonely. I feel surrounded yet not connected. I’m happy and I’m where I want to be. I’m on the right path. But I feel so disconnect from my friends and I want to reconnect but I don’t know how, they feel so distant. Or maybe that’s me. Maybe I need to go back on my antidepressants. My anxiety is here and it is with me and I know it will never leave. I know ignoring it won’t help, but when I acknowledge it, it feels like it tries to take over. It’s a fight and I will always have to fight it. It exhausts me. I know when I talk about it with others no one sees. They see me and my external self that I built all those years ago when I chose to fight. They don’t realise the depth of that fight. They see what I want them to see because no one wants to see someone struggle. They assume I’m talking about a little worry that I’m blowing up and calling anxiety. No one knows. Kendall probably knows the most. She is my rock and yet I still hide my fight from her too. I want to tell people, but I don’t want sympathy. I want them to see me and know, but continue treating me the same. It’s beginning to gnaw at me and soon it will be an open wound for all to see. I will fight it. I’ve fought it before. And I won. I know I can win again. I know.