A letter from May 3rd, 2021

Dear FutureMe, I don't really know where to start. Everything is so wrong right now. Does it ever get better? You're a year from graduating you know, what happens then. How do I keep going? I want you to see this but I don't know if you will. Where did it go wrong? When did I stop caring? I'm so reckless, doing everything I said I never would. Why? Why did I stop caring? I keep asking these questions like you're gonna know any better. I sit here trying to ask questions about my future but I can't. I just can't imagine living anymore. It's the same bullshit every single day. It never stops coming and every now and then it becomes too much. The things I said I would stop doing become the only things I can do to feel anything. I just want to feel happy again. Just for one day. I feel happy for a little, but eventually, I stop. Why can't I keep being happy? When does it end? I don't want to end it but I keep thinking, what if one day it does get better? What if I wake up tomorrow and I start feeling again? I just want to feel something again. It never does though. It never has. It never will. And then I start thinking that it won't get better ever. Do you feel happy? Will it ever change? I mean maybe it will get better, maybe you're happy and can feel something again. But, I don't know if I can keep us alive long enough for you to feel happy. How much longer do I have to keep going? How much longer until I don't have to keep myself alive. I just want to be alive. There are so many things I have to live for. So many people. It's just not enough sometimes. And I know the people around me can tell but they aren't enough. I need me. I need me to be enough. I can't keep relying on other people and things. Eventually, they will leave, and what happens then? And if I never become enough, then I can't keep going. How many people would really be hurt if I died? Would they just keep going, forever until they die too? Would they even think of me? If I died now eventually they would have to stop remembering me. I would just be gone. Forever. There's nothing after death. It just stops, everything I would have become. I don't know. We will have to see I suppose. I just need me back.