A letter from May 1st, 2021

Dear me, This is you in the past and I want to tell you that if you read this then we made it! Right now things are hard. I struggle with anxiety and depression and I am starting to get help for it. Before I tell you about any of that let me tell you who I am now. I am 21 and I am sat in Zoya's student house. I am in my second year of uni and I am currently in the middle of my placement. I have been with Zoya for almost a year and a half. I have two tattoos and 9? piercings. Peppa is about 6 months old So let me tell you what I am struggling with right now and hopefully when you read this things are slightly better? So big one. my dad. He is still really ill and I'm not sure how much things are going to change. He knows it to I think because I can tell he is trying to set all of us up for the future, like paying for stuff for me, trying to get things done in the house whilst he can still decide things. It's not easy. I want to go down and see him again soon but I am waiting for the kitchen to be done so that Peppa can run around. I am also the biggest weight I have ever been. It upsets me daily when I see myself and I went out last night (for the first time after lockdown) and I saw myself in the mirror and cried to myself. I looked massive and I know that I am my biggest critic but it really was not nice. Also, I still cut and although I haven't tried to off myself recently, I have been very close. I am trying to hide it to be a burden but sometimes I tell Zoya little bits so she doesn't see how much I am struggling. I am starting to get some help now, I am starting CBT on Thursday but I am not even sure if this will work. I am also in the middle of an autism diagnosis now. The assessor spoke to my mum two weeks ago and then they had an MDT on Thursday to talk about it and she should get back to me soon; it's a bank holiday so it takes some time. I am trying to think of what I want my life to be like when you read this. At the minute, I want to change my degree from OT to primary education so I am hoping that I am a teacher or something. I am hoping you're still with Zoya? she's deffo a good egg. Maybe I have bought my own house by now? How are mum, dad, and Aaron? I really hope things are going good for you, I know that I am definitely biased but you've had a bad year so you need this. I love you