A letter from May 1st, 2021

Dear FutureMe, Happy 22nd birthday❤ Hey it's been a while right now I'm laying on my bed, I am tired and exhausted matric is hard and I don't have much of a will to live. I'm speaking with James Potgieter and Johan Erasmus right now. I have a speech on Monday in Afrikaans and Im cooking in Consumerstudies, but I really don't want to. Many things happened and I'm sure when I mention them you would remember. in December 2020 I got pregnant and had an abortion. I went for therapy in February and in the school holiday after the first term my parents were told about the abortion. life is hell I'm tired, I'm sad and depressed, and I'm not sure what I'm doing with my life right now. mom told me I can take a gap year next year, but I really really want to go to that horse place(Summerhill stud, KZN) to do the courses. me and James are planning to meet in December 2021, but I'm not sure if we'll get to that. he wants to do many things next year, and so do I. I really want to date him, but I don't think it will get to that even though I really like him. My counselor, Anke, told me its time to let go of my twin brother. I've not been in the best place and I really miss him. His ***** is still tearing my heart apart. She wants me to do this ritual thing where I write a letter to him and I send it away with a balloon or we burn the letter or we just do something with it, and since I told her that Dyllan has been my "replacement"(meaning that I adopted him as my twin brother), amd she asked if I would like for him to be at the ritual. Right now, I'm really unsure about it but I think maybe its a good idea. I have to do the same with the baby and she asked if I would like Johan to be there. I thought about it for a few days and decided that I can't tell him no since it's our baby and I aborted the baby without him knowing, and that if he wants to be there he should come but if he doesn't want to he doesn't need to.. so I'm sitting with the same thing over and over and I'm tired. Right now I don't feel like living and waking up every day. it's just a stupid routine over and over again. I don't really want to live anymore, this life just seems so wasted. I don't know where I'm going with my life. I'm turning 18 this year I'm thinking of doing that courses at Summerhill next year but I'm also thinking about the gap year so I can finish my Spanish. I don't really know, I'm still deciding. I really want to start my life but I'm so unsure about it, I don't know what the future holds anymore it's confusing. I hope that by the time I get this letter in my future I hope that I have my life together and that I'm happy. I know that in this year 2021 I hope for me and Dylan to be a couple one day to get married I hope it turns out out that way even though were just friends right now in 2020. I hope that by now, you have written a book and that you're happy and healthy and that you feel up to it and all, ready to go on with life. I hope you're still alive and well. I really hope that maybe you are married.. or maybe in a relationship or something. I know I'm stressed about my matric now... I'm exhausted and tired but things have gone better than I thought it would even though school is hard and dark.. it gets better with time im sure. I asked Dylan to prom with me and I really hope that it went well and that we had an awesome time. Even when life is hard and it seems like all is dark, want tou to remember that things to get better with time.. year 2020 to 2021 so far has proved that things does get better with time. Good luck and be safe. I love you. GOALS: Date Dyllan Meet James Potgieter Be happy Do the courses at Summerhill stud Kiss someone Save a suicidal person Do good in Matric(gr12) (2021) Dont die/**** yourself Keep in touch with Dyllan (if not dating) Always love horses Go out more often Dont get stuck up with watching "those" stuff anymore Become a motivational speaker Write a book. Another thing. If you and Dyllan are no longer friends... give him a call. Also, remember, his birthday is on 17 December. Be safe❤