A letter from Apr 28th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, You know today is the day you told your parents about your first boyfriend. It’s 10:31 and you’re crying while you talk to him because you feel like a disappointment. He doesn’t know that though. What’s so funny is that your entire life so far you’ve just wanted to be good enough. You’ve just wanted to do well enough in school. You just wanted to know that someday you’d be somebody. Anybody. I wonder if you’ll look back at this and be like “woah was I dramatic” but you’re not. You’re just a little bit fragile. Tomorrow is Thursday a pop this 29th, 2021 and you have your first appointment with your first therapist. I have high hopes for you. I pray things will get better and that this will get a little bit easier here and there. It’s the year of your Quinceañera and things are not so hectic yet as it is April. I guess my questions for you to ask yourself right now is what college did you get into? Are you in a relationship? Are you happy? How is Chelsea? I hope future me is okay with rehashing the past and contemplating the present but not in a bad way. I hope you write another one of these to yourself for the next 5 years that way you can always check in on yourself. You know you spent a long time being sad and when you get this I hope you’re not having a bad day or a bad time in life or anything like that. I hope that you’re working hard and having some motivation to keep going. 14 year old you thinks you can do it because I’m doing it! I’m crying but I’m writing you a letter. What about your discord friends? How are they? Do you still talk to them? Who knows. But I also wanted you to know that right now I’m 14 going on 15 and I’m struggling. I want to starve myself and I want to be thin and I want to be tall and I hate that my rib cage is wide. I’m having a hard time with anxiety and I’m having a hard time with food. I’m sure you won’t ever forget that but if I’m still standing in 5 years know that all that happened and well, you’re still standing. I guess if there’s anything I really want you to know is that I hope you love yourself. Past you is really hating herself right now and she’d love to know you ended up okay. So she can tell people that she’s okay. That she too hated herself but she’s okay now. I can prove to people that I made it somewhere. Maybe this will help you realize that you yourself made it somewhere. But hey, babe don’t cry any more tears. You love these godforsaken brown puddles. But they don’t need all that water. Head up princess. But besides that I think I should talk to you some more. Do you still have those stuffed animals? I would hope so. You know how’s Yaya? I love her so much I hope she’s still with us. Today she made carne mechada for mano’s birthday. If Yaya had passed away I hope you remember that you said you want to speak Spanish to mom and dad from now on. You don’t want to lose your Spanish. Or at least talk to God maybe. I hope you get close to God like Yaya did. She loved you so much you know. Have you called mom and dad? I know you’ll be in college by now. Are you studying like you should be? Haha, get to it. I hope you know that for the year of 2021 you had a jojo siwa calendar and it’s epic. Nothing I’m saying feels like a clear idea but i don’t care. Everything’s a bit foggy right now. There’s a lot going on with me and I have no where to go. I’ve never felt so trapped and in 5 years I’ll read this and it’s like I’m listening to my past self. I hope you listen and remember it wasn’t often other people did. It kind of hurts to be alive right now. It’s weird because nothing in your life is that bad right now it’s just that you’ve never had time to work through anything. You’re kind of tired of feeling like a burden to everyone. So you have no one to talk to. Which is good because you always overshare. Maybe it’s good for you to be this alone. Maybe it isn’t. But you’re going to get help. You’re going to be okay. My love, are you okay? If you aren’t that’s alright. It comes and goes. If you are well then I’m proud of you. Past me is smiling at the thought of happy me existing. I’m going to go to bed because I have school tomorrow but guess what? You got this letter! Relax babes. Relax. Sincerely, Bucket on Wednesday April 28 2021