from april 24 2021

hi right before this, i ate a strawberry fatboy ice cream sandwich, and it was mediocre. it was good and then i ate more and it started tasting like literal plastic. i gave the rest to mom and i said "it's good in small quantities" and then i immediately thought 'just like me'. i hope by the time you're reading this, you've stopped doing that. do you remember when you and mia watched 'the spy who dumped me'? you felt like kate mckinnon's character when some douche told her she was "a little much." i hope you know you were never too much. you were a lot, but never too much. you surround yourself with folks who love you in indefinite quantities. you love yourself in indefinite quantities. you are allowed to be superficial and read too far into things, and you are allowed to get snappy and yell at people, and you are allowed to do nothing for a week and you are allowed to be like mom & dad sometimes. it's okay if you feel like someone is annoyed by you, and it's okay if they are. it's okay to spend money or embarrass yourself. it's okay to hate trivial things. (you won't need me to tell you this by now) love indefinitely. it goes both ways. i hope you write many love letters and you find somebody you want to call your lover. i hope you learn how to create true poems and analyses about anything you want. i hope you can go wherever you want and hold hands with whoever you want and i hope there is somebody nearby who wants you to play with their hair. i hope you dream every night and you still have music in your soul. i hope you don't feel like you need to escape anymore. i hope you aren't afraid to love somebody for the rest of your life. maybe start recording bits of your life. snippets you'd want to caption with a three-paragraph caption that functions as a diary entry. maybe you can start doing that too. i wonder where you live. i wonder who's next door and what's across the street and where you go when you crave routine. i wonder what you do when you're sad. i wonder if you yearn for things the way you used to. i wonder what you're fascinated with now. i wonder if you'll remember today. i wonder what you regret and what album you have on repeat. i wonder if you write paragraphs to mia for her birthday and if you fill journals with scribbles about boys and things that made you cry. i wonder if you can still write in calligraphy. i wonder what you're doing today, right now. i hope you are still kind. i hope you can go out to see live music every night if you want it. i hope you can get anything, if you want it. write me back when you get this, i love you so much han