A letter from Apr 24th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, I am currently 14 years old. I’m lying in bed right now and have been for the past while. I don’t really have a hobby but my parents always say how sleeping is my hobby. Idk. Nothing really seems to interest me I guess. I cry a bit too easily and it’s really annoying. I’d rather be emotionally detached at this point fr. It’s hard for me to like anything now but what can you do. The only person that I can think of anymore is *you know who a certain person in your seventh period science*. When I was taking pictures of the assembly yesterday I made sure to get some of her. (The pictures were for the school’s Instagram) I figured that would be a good conversation starter but nothing ever came out of that. I suppose something would’ve but I’m still too scared to talk to her. What if she doesn’t like me? I know she’s not gonna be the exact person I’ve created in my head but confronting that is the terrifying part. I’m usually in my head most times. I can entertain myself pretty well which I guess is kinda sad when you think about it too much. I don’t even know how I’m passing all my classes, I guess I’m just luck but I can feel myself slowly slipping. What do you look like now? At this moment my hair is about an inch passed my shoulders and I want to get it cut so bad. I want it shorter. The front two pieces of my hair are dyed blonde while the rest of my hair is brown-black. (That’s the most exciting hair I can get away with at school) I want to dye it colors and stuff but my school wouldn’t allow it. My outfits range from “wannabe emo from 2004” to “80s mom”. A lot of high waisted things because I’m ✨insecure✨. I can’t really pick an aesthetic to settle on. I’m kinda getting into dream/weirdcore and I love it. I want to get dreamcore posters and put them up in my room but they cost money and I’m trying not to spend too much anymore. For makeup I wear a lot of eyeliner. I think I look better with it than without. I’m not really that fond of my face (more specifically my jaw/chin/whatever). Some days I like it and some I don’t but that’s normal. I’m getting into reading more and more. So far my favorite author is Palahniuk. I just like how blunt and sarcastic his writing is. Not everything has to be shadow banned to the public and I appreciate that he tells it how it is (or how the sadistic character sees it). I picked up beading/making bracelets. It started out as a fun thing to do but now I do it when I’m trying not to sleep. I’ve developed a bad habit of sleeping because of boredom so I’m trying to stop that. It messes with my sleeping schedule a lot. My average day is coming home from school at 4:00, falling asleep at 5:30, waking up between 7:00-9:00 (depends on if I wake up to eat dinner or not), stay up until 2:00 am, and then fall back asleep until I get up at 6:45 or 7:00 for school. It’s kinda bad but I’m working on it. I didn’t fall asleep after school yesterday and I’m proud of that. I find that besides boredom, I sleep when I get anxious. That doesn’t mean I drop dead the moment I start to worry. It means that if I get yelled at I go to bed as a way to stop feeling so gross. I understand that it’s a way to ignore my responsibilities and really face life head on but whatever. Enough about me though. How are you? What do you look like? Who are your friends? Who do you hang out with? Like what’s your friend group? Do you still talk to the people I talk too? Are you finally completely over about a person I’m not really over? And by “completely over” I mean that person isn’t even in the back of your mind anymore. It’s only fair because as of right now I’m not even in the back of her mind. In 5 years it will be April 2026. I’ll already be graduated from high school. How does it feel to not have to go to your school anymore? Are you in college? If so, which college? What’s your major? Do you have any plans for the future? What do you wish your life was like? Have you moved out? If it was a perfect world do you still want to move to Washington and live your classic coffee shop AU? Do you have a job? In April 2026 I’ll be 19. What’s that like? Can you drive? Do you finally drive Tiffany and Rhea around instead of them driving you around? Did you get over your fear of driving? Did you get over your fear of confrontation? Is your automatic response fight, flight, or is it still freeze? What is the biggest moment of your life so far? Do you still talk with your hands a lot? Did you ever muster up the courage to talk to *you know who that certain person I mentioned in paragraph 2*? I’ve started journaling, do you still do that? What concerts have you been too? What music do you listen too? What gives you nostalgia? Are you in a relationship? How many partners have you had? Who’s are you out too? What’s your deepest secret? Do you/have you had an addiction? I’m trying my best not to get into underage drinking whenever Lizzy asks if I wanna drink with her. I’m scared it’ll spiral but then again I could just be overthinking. Do you write? That could be anything from just journaling to lyrics to poetry. Do you make music? What instruments to do you play? I can play the uke and the bass but I’m not very good. I still need some practice but I know a few songs. How’s the media? What apps have died out? So far tiktok is really big but did it go down the same path as vine? What’s even popular? What’s the fashion? The music? The meme? What are the memes like? I know this is only five years and in the grand scheme of things it’s not that long but so much can change in five years. I literally thinking about this last night. You how the vibes are. Do people still say vibes? What’s your favorite book? Favorite song? Favorite movie? The answer to those things right now is Invisible monsters, Helium by Glass animals or Shy Away by Twenty one pilots, and The Breakfast Club or The Edge of Seventeen. What fandoms are you apart of? How do you describe things? Like right now I describe things with a lot of hand movements and metaphors. A lot of visuals basically. What celebrities have you met? Seen live? What’s your favorite scent? Right now I really like vanilla but the taste of vanilla is really overrated. Like it’s not that special that smell however. Do you still watch Glee? Because here’s the thing, I don’t know if I actually like Glee of if I just re watch episodes because I spent half a year watching the series and I don’t want it to be for nothing. It’s a good show to watch if you don’t want to put a lot of effort into it. A few good shows to watch are The End of the F-ing world, I Am Not Okay With This, and American Horror Story. What’s your favorite color? What’s your job (did I already ask this?)? What makes you laugh? Do you still laugh at grammar mistakes? What’s your aesthetic? Who in the family do you talk to? Who do you talk to from school? How was your 18th birthday? Do you do therapy? Have you ever attempted? Do you still get anxious at confrontation? Do you actually do stuff now? Do you still like Facebook memes? A few days ago I saw some drama in the Facebook meme community and that just goes to show there will never be a wholesome community where you can just have fun. There always has to be something bad lmao. That’s a good place to sum up everything. I mean it’s true, everything is bad—it’s 2021 but whatever. I’ll just have to deal with it. Hopefully I don’t die before the time is up lol. I hope you have a wonderful day. You are worth it and don’t worry I probably like you. - Jamie, April 24 2021