A letter from Apr 15th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, Why is existing so embarrassing? I genuinely want to know why I feel like this all the time because I don't think it's normal. Even just being by myself doesn't feel safe and I don't know why. I'm just perpetually embarrassed. Today was a rough day. I went for my first physical in almost 3 years and it was so horrid. I thought I was doing okay until I realized I wasted the whole time talking about ******* birth control with my PCP INSTEAD OF TALKING ABOUT THE ACTUAL HEALTH PROBLEMS I WAS SUPPOSED TO ASK HER ABOUT. Literally so embarrassing and so annoying. I had a list and everything too, and I ****** it up. I don't even want to go on birth control that much. I just don't want to get pregnant, and I have a thing with Ash rn that I think is gonna turn into something (even though I'm still not totallyyy sure how I feel about him). So like....... I should probably go on it. I'm so scared of the side effects though. My hormones are so good right now like my periods are chill, I don't get crazy acne, and my mood swings are manageable before my period. I KNOW birth control is gonna **** me up. I'm definitely going to gain weight and get all the bad side effects, I just know it. Is it even worth it???? I don't ******* know, but pregnancy isn't an option SO I GUESS. Why can't I just be sterile until I want to have kids that's literally so mean of nature. Okay kinda got off topic but yes it was such an annoying doctor's appointment because I'm an idiot. Then: I got into my first car accident. FOR THE STUPIDEST ******* REASON. This old lady had her trunk all the way open and she had stuff in the back so I was like umm maybe I should tell her. So I was waiting for the red light and I was trying to flag her down but I didn't completely stop and I HIT THE PERSON IN FRONT OF ME (very slowly). It dented her car and scratched it up a bit and it was really so unfortunate. I was literally in shock. Anyways, we pulled over and I was freaking out and I called dad and then he started yelling at me and I couldn't find the insurance card and it was just so stressful. I took hella pictures and got her info and everything, but it was just horrid. I straight up was not having a good time. I got home and dad yelled at me a little for trying too hard to be a Good Samaritan, which I totally get, and I just couldn't stop crying. I know it's not the end of the world, but I'm so disappointed in myself and embarrassed. It should not have happened. Then: Dad brings up the fact that we might need to make a decision about putting Oreo down. He's been coughing real bad lately and it's so hard to watch. He sometimes just can't get a breath for 5-10 minutes straight. I don't know how we can help him, the medicine isn't working anymore. I hope he gets better but I don't know if he's gonna make it much longer. I don't think it's even hit me yet. He's only 10. I don't want to talk about it right now because I've just refused to understand what that means until I have to face it. I'm sorry that you've probably already had to. Anyways, back to being embarrassed. I screamed in the car on the way home because I was upset about the appointment and the accident and I literally got so embarrassed, even though no one could hear me or cared. It doesn't make any sense. I am embarrassed to have emotions, or simply to exist as a human in this realm. I hope you've fixed this, at least to some degree. I don't know how I can at the moment. Why do I care so much about how others perceive me? I just wish no one perceived me, ever. I wish I could be alone to be who I truly want to be without having to think so much about it. I envy people who can do that so much. People who can act like this is their world and everyone else is just living in it. That's gonna be me one day. I hope that's you, actually. Is 5 years enough? I hope so. This one was kinda depressing, just needed to give myself hope that things will be better one day. Things are alright now, but I'm definitely not the best version of myself. Not by a long shot. I hope you are the best version of me. Or at least a better one. I KNOW YOU WILL BE. Some advice I hope I take: Stop implicitly caring what other people think. **** everyone. Do what makes you happy. Love you! Your 20-year-old self