A letter from Apr 15th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, How are things? Today I closed the window on my middle finger and it drew blood, it still hurts, but only a little. I wonder if you think I'm stupid, if you're laughing at me. Or do you think of me fondly? Do you miss me? I hope you don't. I hope you're the happiest you've ever been. I miss the me of the past, I wish I could write to her. I have regrets. I wish you could write me back. Have you found love? I dream of love every day, though I wouldn't admit it to anyone else. I admire you, even though I don't know you yet. Yesterday dad barbecued pork, it was very good and I'm about to have it for lunch. Yesterday I took the first exam of my college life. It was very easy, my highschool life was much tougher than this. My classes are at night and I only have one every day. I mean, I'm glad but I feel a little stupid. My friends are working harder than me. But I don't think I could work any harder than I am already. Sometimes my brain turns to mush and I can't get myself to read a single sentence. I hope I get my ADHD diagnosis, because if I don't that means I'm just lazy. I'm not lazy. I really want to do better. I do. I think I want you to pity me. Because no one else will. And I can't do that myself. But you can. I imagine you grown up and beautiul and filled with confidence. And I wish you could hold me and tell me things are going to work out. I hope I'm not making you sad. I hope things really did work out for you. For us. I'm trying to learn japanese just to prove to myself I can. We did it with english, it shouldn't be so hard, right? Maybe by the time you're reading this you'll be able to write me back in japanese, if that was possible. This week I had my first job interview. Do you remember? I probably didn't get the job, but I still haven't heard from them. If I can get a job I can pay for my own meds, for the japanese classes I want to take, for a new computer, in a few months. I'm trying not to worry too much. I should be able to do it. Sometimes I don't think I can do it. This. The whole being a functioning member of society thing. Being alive feels nice. But life isn't about just living. There's still a lot I could tell you, but I'm sure you know it all too well. Sending you love from the past. Please do your best, I'll do the same. Sincerely, 19 Year Old You