A letter from Apr 9th, 2021

dear future me, Right now I am 18 years, 4 months and 14 days. Yes I did just google it. So as your reading this you should be 23. I probably did the maths wrong. Im writing this because I want you to remember what it is like to be 18. To not forget the feeling. And to be honest, its bitter sweet. Its the pressure to be PERFECT. because everything that you do is judged and watched. For example I made a tiktok today about prince Phillip dying and was basically saying im not sad because he was racist. But now everyone thinks im heartless. Theres a fine line between being sensitive and being "woke". The internet is telling you all this stuff and then you apply it in real life and you are called a snowflake. A boy made a comment on another girls weight and I called him out and I was called a snowflake. But all that matters is that im trying. Im trying to be the best person that I can and that's all I can do. There is so much pressure at the moment to be in a relationship. Because all I can think about is someone else holding me in their arms and telling me they love me. In reality it feels as if no-one truly cares about you but if you left this earth there would be a void that would never be filed. You are worthy of love, and you are worthy of being appreciated for all you are. You better still be friends with millie and Hollie. If you haven't spoken to them today call them. right now(well after you've read this).(im crying whilst writing this next bit) Those girls are your ride or die, they have stuck with you through thick and thin. Your friendship survived the move. Your friendship survived high school, where you would get jealous of the other girls trying to be friends with them. Hollie is so strong, she has the will power and the determination to help you through your tough times. She enters you and pulls you back down to earth. And Millie? that girl is the most caring person you will ever meet, she has a shy personality at first but will want to make clay strawberry rings and laugh about tom(do you still hate him?). Those girls deserve the world and you three cannot be separated. So I will be very disappointed if you are no longer friends with them. (call them). (I mean it) Now. I'm about to talk about ben so if needs be close the laptop and walkaway. How are you? when was your last trigger? Have you spoken to him? and where is your dad at? because right now... it all feels numb, but every so often everything will come flooding right back. Its hard to know what my triggers are.I can talk about it. and I can joke about it. I can look at a photo of him. I can wear his t-shirts. But here are my recent two triggers. Katie was talking about her experience and that upset me because it reminded me of how I felt and how men suck. I ws also on a group call and talking about responses to it set me off. And finally when someone asked me to send nudes(live(***** you have an OF you a bad b)) so you need to know that you may need help. That you can't just ignore it. let it all out, cry however much you need to. because at the end of the day what happened isn't going away. you can erase the memory and you just have to go on. You can avoid it. the only way to get over it(and you may never and that's okay) is to get through it. tell your friends. let them help. Hollie will know what to do. I know its hard because you hate confrontation. you deserved so much better the him. How is the only fans? did the parents find out? how much you making? you even still doing it? currently I have 314 subs. it was free until yesterday. its now priced at £4.99. The grind is hard. Its a struggle to stay motivated, to keep the head up and carry on. But you can do it. I promise. Mentally right now, its stressful trying to grow up, to be this perfect person. To try and stay young. Im trying to do things that make me not regret my life. Because in 40 years am I going to be upset because I wasted my childhood? I don't want that feeling. I want to look back and remember all the drunk nights(also you need to learn how to handle your drink), the boys(and the girls;)), the nights of pretending to be sober (hats off to you). I want to remember everything and never regret anything but also I don't want to be reckless. Its a fine line! anyways... now you need to write a letter to YOUR future self. call millie and Hollie first then do that. Because your 23, living in the bug world, hopefully crushing the fashion game and working for a company designing clothes, possibly thinking about starting your own company???? but no pressure. write one of these letters and makes sure to tell us about you.just be proud of yourself. your doing great. love you bestie!!!! xxxxx