A letter from Apr 9th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, Hello...this letter is from me to me five years in the future and that seems so long from now but by then I won’t even remember writing this. By now I am 23? Or 22 I think but right now I’m 17 and I think I want to write this as a way of remembering what being 17 was like. Right now what’s important to me is family. That might sound so generic and vague but it’s the truth after what happened in November last year when two of the most important people in my life passed away, I realized that life was too short to care about stupid things. I developed a fear of ***** and of people I love dying. I don’t think I can bear another loss. After November I don’t really think I’ve been the same. And that might sound like such a cliche but ever since then I’ve cried myself to sleep many nights. I cry just thinking about it. I went through most of the pain alone which didn’t help. I lost all of my friends and most of my will to live. I spent Christmas and New Years crying. I slept my way into the new year because I was too afraid to face a new reality of starting a new year without my loved ones. And now it’s April. I still cry. Wondering why no one wants to be friends with me. Why people treat me so badly when all I want is the best for everyone. I don’t really have any friends. And I hate myself because I care so much about what other people think. I know it doesn’t even matter because not everyone is gonna like you but I can’t help it and I hate myself for the person I am. I don’t think I even know who I am. I’m constantly trying to please others and shut myself up because I always think I’m annoying. This is what bothers me today. Being 17 honestly means nothing to me. Quarantine started when I was 15 and now I’m 17. So nothings really changed. I hope that when I’m reading this I’m happier with myself and who I am. I hope I don’t give people as much power over me as they do right now. I hope I’ve learned to love myself because right now I want someone to love me the way I can’t love myself. I want to be able to read this and not relate at all. I want the friends I want the boyfriends. The experiences. I want the attention but I don’t value myself enough to believe I deserve it so I won’t beg for it. I’m too insecure to know what I want and go for it. I hope this isn’t the case in five years. I’m relying on my future self to overcome all of these issues and finally be able to be my genuine true self.