A letter from April 8th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, it has been exactly 173 days after mom died. People (might) think I'm already okay, covering it up as a humor.. but I can't even get past the fact that my mom won't arrived at the front door of my home ever again. In my thoughts, she went Bruce Wayne on us, travelled to Europe or move to Australia to live a live alone, truth be told that would have been better. I lost my comfort person. I am not an easy person to open up to like in a click of a finger,, I'm someone that takes years to trust someone to finally open up. which is sad, considering my original comfort person who can make me feel like the most special person in the whole wide universe has died. I also feel alone, some of my friends and people online are having someone to held on to and love them for who they are (not family) and I know deep down that I will definitely end up alone (maybe that's why I always choose money over love on these IG polls). My diet plan also went sideways because i stress eat, also this week I realized that Sasha sloan once said a lyric that has been resonating with me like never before, "I'm not suicidal, but sometimes the lines get all blurry" That people... is my intrusive thoughts contemplating (or basically challenging me) to **** myself every once in a week.. sometimes twice. Although it never happen because (apparently) the only way I want to **** myself is by jumping off a cliff and there are no cliff around here so thank you... also I can't leave my sister to fend the world on her own I'll be **** if she have to. I just need to get this out of my head before the voices literally clouded my head which I know will end with me forcing myself to do my college homework until 2 in the morning. I hope future me will be better, because I hope there'll be a me in the future. I love you people and this platform, Thank you.