A letter from April 7th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, I hope all is going well! Being in quarantine for the past year has taught me a lot. As things are opening up, and somewhat returning back to normal, I am excited to start living like I used to. I still have some reservations, but I think it will work out just fine. I've reflected a lot, I think I know myself pretty well and I have a lot of clarity. One thing I've been addressing is my romantic relationships. Growing up, I dreamt of my wedding, I even made a Pinterest board. I didn't realize that these relationships are a lot of work, and it takes effort from both sides. In my early teen years, I was so eager to just get in a relationship, yet no boys in my area around my age wanted to pursue me. I thought that would make me so happy and my problems would go away. These past few years, I have realized my value and my worth. I am strong, beautiful, intelligent, compassionate, and I have a lot of insight. I can bring a lot to a relationship. However, I except effort, the willingness to change and listen, and some depth. Most importantly, I know what I don't deserve. My senior year of high school, I was introduced to a guy. We met the first day at my house and he already wanted to have ***. I knew that this relationship was not going to be anything special or sweep me off of my feet. After it happened, he asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend. In a moment of weakness, I said yes - yet I knew I instantly regretted it. The relationship was not great. He had no job and wasn't going to school. I paid for all of our dates, took care of him, and remained caring and respectful. I did not receive the same effort back or even a thank you. We wanted to spend Valentine's day together, but I wasn't available. We agreed on a day we were both available, February 21st. On that day, I went out with my friends all day. I had such a great time with them, yet he texts me, nagging me that I wasn't home yet. He met me once I got home, and expressed his frustration almost immediately. We began the night drinking, and a few drinks already got me buzzed. He forced me to drive him to get food, even though I felt very uncomfortable, on the way he changes my music because he doesn't like it. And of course, once we ordered food, he looked at me to pay. We make it home safely. I am pretty tired, especially after drinking even more. I get ready for bed, and once I'm done I meet him in my bedroom. He wants to have *** with me. I don't want to have ***. He's rubbing his body against me, whispering in my ear that he knows I want to do it. Yet, I really do not want to. A few minutes later, he gets up, turns on the light, and starts to tell me something along the lines of "It's not working". We break up on the spot. I stand in the doorway, watching him walk the long path to his car. He drives away blasting his awful taste in music. I change into a pair of sweatpants and a sports bra, out of my silk nightgown that I wore just for him. I have another sip of wine and I sit with my feelings. I think I should be upset since breakups should hurt- but I'm not upset. Not one piece of me is upset. I get the bed to myself. I get my life back. I do not have to give my effort to someone who doesn't appreciate me or show any effort back. That was the best sleep I've ever got. I didn't tell anyone about that relationship. I told one of my closest friends in about August, and this was in February. I finally told my best friend from fourth grade last week, over a year later. I have a polaroid saved of me and him, and I look at it a lot. I don't pay any attention to him, but I pay attention to me. I wish I could go back and tell myself that I deserve so much more, but now I am thinking that this is what I needed to know my worth. I was so deeply ashamed to be with him. I knew this wasn't the person I was and went against everything my mom taught me. That is why I was not willing to introduce him to anyone I knew. This was a major lesson in life, even though this man meant nothing to me. I have always had the rule that I do not cry over any boy ever. I am very proud of that. I do cry about so many other things, especially school. I hope you're still holding that rule. Last week, I thought I would've been in a serious relationship with a guy, but it turns out he did not want the same. Yet, he did lead me on with promises of a vacation and we started talking about marriage and kids. This hurt, because it came as such a shock. I did not think I would've handled it as well as I did, but I am so proud of myself for not giving in to him and realizing that I cannot be with someone who will not fight for me at the end of the day. I did not let the negative emotions control me, even though it was painful. Another thing about me is that I've never wanted to be defined by just a relationship. I have many layers to my personality and I do not need to rely on a relationship to be a personality trait. I have always stood on my own and I've been independent. When I am alone, I have a hard time reminding myself that I do not need a romantic relationship to bring me joy. I work hard at maintaining friendships and my family, that I don't need to rely on a romantic relationship. I never ever want to have my rely just on my significant others accomplishments to get me through life. I definitely have been working as hard as I can for the last few years that I know I will make a beautiful life for myself. I started my college degrees by myself, I am not scared of finishing them by myself. If I am not in a relationship in 5 years, I am not upset. I will be upset if I do not show my self the love I deserve. Anyways, you've got this babes, I love you so much and I know you're doing great things.