A letter from April 1st, 2021

Dear 23 year old Riley, By the time you are reading this, I hope spiders don’t terrorize you, heights are no longer as high and that you finally believe in yourself. I know that the people in your life haven’t helped yourself to smile and helped you to remember your worth. They’ve led you to question if you actually are doing the right things for your life, they’ve made you think you aren’t happy, and they’ve isolated you. Even the people who are supposed to support you, truly haven’t done anything except made it worse. They constantly question you and though they think they’re just being nice and checking up on you. It drives you crazy. I know right now you don’t believe what I am about to say but you really don’t owe anybody anything. The only person you would ever owe anything to is yourself. Yes, you’ve had your “supporters” though at the same time if they really supported you then why do they make it feel like you don’t deserve to graduate from high school? It doesn’t matter you’re out of that household, I’m proud of you and I mean it. Honestly, I’m not sure what you're doing right now. I do hope you're a special education teacher, hopefully for the deaf and blind. Though I know you had some doubts about being able to learn sign language. I also hope you’ve either found that special someone or that you're still looking. I want you to be able to share those recipes with someone you love. Currently in your life, home is really as far away from your problems as you can get. That would be in your bed, watching disney movies and cuddling Dr. Mcstuffers. (You better still have that bear, Derrick wasted a lot of build a bear points on it and his mother was mad.) Anyway, the feeling of when you're alone without the thoughts of your problems you feel such peace and serenity. It feels like all the pressure of the world has just been paused, no stress or even feelings at all. Everything just cancels out. There are plenty of people who have impacted you, Riley. For one there’s your brother, who has supported you being part of the alphabet mafia (LGBTQ+ community). Your uncle and your grandparents who told you stories of how hard it was to find your uncle a teacher because nobody understood how to teach him. As for people you don’t know Johnny Depp and Morgan Freeman are two people whose quotes you follow religiously. Quotes: “If you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second.” ― Johnny Depp “As long as you feel like a victim, you are one.” ― Morgan Freeman Ah and of course there is also Josh Sundquist, your favorite author who wrote books about his life that got you through some hard times. “That's the thing about human beings: if we have a crush on someone, that person's every behavior attracts us even more. But if we don't like that person, the very same behavior will annoy us.” ― Josh Sundquist, We Should Hang Out Sometime: Embarrassingly, a True Story “When you're faced with a significantly life-altering negative situation you can't control, you grasp at the little things you can control. The little opportunities where you can make choices for yourself.” ― Josh Sundquist, We Should Hang Out Sometime: Embarrassingly, a True Story All of these people have given you strength in order to continue life. You’ve had so many dark thoughts and you’ve pushed past them. All because these people have given you the love that you lack and the words you could never think of to do so. What I want for your future is for you to be happy and well. I do hope you love yourself a least a little more. I hope you sing in the car even if someone is listening. I hope that instead of thinking you’re a side character, you make yourself the main character. I hope you have a rose-like smile that ***** anyone who's hurt you in the past with it’s thorny beauty. I hope you know that you deserve the world and the best. I hope your job isn’t a job but I hope it is a career. I hope you don’t feel like you're working, I want you to feel empowered and have fun. I want you to go to Poland and see what our ancestors were like, go to those camps and see what they felt. Go to Britain and experience life under a monarchy. I want you to know that this is your sign that everything is okay. I want you to know that no matter what you do, as long as you’re a good person, I love you and I’m so proud of you. Take care, love. I’ll love you forever, Riley (2021)