A letter from April 2nd, 2021

Dear FutureMe, Hi. So I'm here again. With this head full of thoughts. With this heart filled with flaws. My sister was tested positive last Saturday, my other half-sister died last Tuesday. It's like everything is happening at the same time. I don't know what to do. I never really did. Today a song made by BTS "Film Out" was released and it made me feel some things that I can't describe. I want my old self again. I want to be her again. I want her heart that knows how to love. I want her eyes that sees the good. I want her drive that makes her wild. I want her curious mind that seeks answers. I want the me who wants to live. I never really know when I started wearing masks. I never really thought that I was wearing one. I'm scared because I don't feel anything anymore. I don't like forcing my smiles. I don't like this but I can't help it. I'm so good at figuring out what other people feel. But I'm having a hard time describing mine. It was like I'm always writing some scripts. I... ****... I'm so confused what the ****. I don't know what I feel. All what I know is I'm lost. I'm so ******* lost. I don't know what to think first. What would be my future? Can I really take responsibility over the course that I chose? **** this. I'm tired what the ****.