A letter from March 31st, 2021

Dear FutureMe, I think writing this is the hardest thing I have done for the past months. It has been quite rough and tiring, but as always I’m trying to manage everything and move on with life. As a writer, it’s almost ridiculous to not be fully able to write a letter to myself, but I guess I know why. I could never escape from the fear of the future, it is something I have no control over. As Stephen Chbosky said in my favorite book (at the moment), The Perks of Being a Wallflower: “So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.” That’s one of the most relatable quotes I’ve ever read until this point of my life. Sixteen hit me like a truck, and not being fully happy with my image and being in general, and still not being able to actually seek a better me due the pandemic, is extremely frustrating. I’m also not really sure of who I am already or who I’m going to become in some time, I know it’s also not something I have control over, nor have to worry about at this point of my life as a teenager still, but it creeps in my head constantly. We’ll get over it, I’m sure. I said I couldn’t really write to myself earlier but here I am filling the page with worries and words of wisdom from a writer I idolize… guess I’m not that out of ideas in the end. But the truth is, the hardest thing is the start, the idea to actually start a letter, the words I’m gonna put in it. It’s for myself in the future, it can’t be just fun and puns, and that scares me a lot. I have no idea, nor want to create expectations that might not be, of where you are now. Knowing us, it could be literally anywhere on planet Earth. Salem maybe, or Oxfordshire, or London, or Illinois, anyway. And if you still feel like you haven’t found your place in the world, I know you will soon. I hope you keep seeking your academic fulfillment, and that you haven’t given up your hopes and dreams and plans. And also, that the other places you’ve been, hadn’t broken your heart like the ones you grew up in did. This one is also an useless hope, but I really hope your good friends haven't left. I know, quote also from Chbosky’s book: “Things change, and friends leave. Life doesn’t stop for anybody.”, but I still hope for the best, even though the best, like an actually interesting e-mail, rarely arrives. I believe people stopped treating you like you were more than just a person, I know it’s because they love and don’t want to lose you, but what a ridiculous thing it is to believe a person is more than just a person. Not a miracle, not an adventure, not a fine piece of jewelry, just a human, made of flesh and bones and blood. And I also dearly hope that you haven’t found someone that you treat like that. Please always remember if you forgot with the time, people are not homes, people are in constant change and sometimes they simply vanish because that’s what they’re supposed to do. Your only home is yourself, and it loves you. My heart feels heavy and I feel like crying, but the tears just won’t come. The funniest of it all is that the sun will always rise and the birds will keep singing on the places I grew up in and had happy moments that one day will just become stories, like nothing ever happened there. I’m getting too carried away and starting my philosophical moment, but life is so weird and hard, and I’m just starting to become an adult and everything feels like it’s so much already. My heart is filled with so many different things and people, my future is a mystery and my past is now just a story. I have to stop using my plans for the future to escape the present. All I wanted was to find a book that told me who I am, what I am. A dictionary of myself, a guide. But that’s the point about life, isn’t it? The way everything turns out differently for every person, but it doesn’t mean it’s right or wrong, it’s just life taking you where you need to go and making you chase who you really are. As Mr. Keating said in my favorite movie Dead Poets Society: “Medicine, law, business, engineering, these are all noble pursuits, and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.” and “No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.”, those are the wise words I use to stand up and chase my own true self. Is there anything better than sitting there quietly, doing nothing? I don’t think there is. I’m craving nature right now, I just wanted to escape to a ranch where I can take care of the animals, breathe fresh air, get the wind blowing through my hair, feeling the sun on my skin, eating just picked fruits from the garden. But I’d also **** to be living in the dorm room of a big university like Oxford, surrounded by antique buildings and the smell of old books and firewood. To get all coated up before going downtown with my friends to eat a chocolate croissant and a steamy berry tea, my nose red from the cold and the snow. Thank God dreaming is for free. All my life I kept waiting for something to happen that would change my life, I still am honestly. I always thought the idea of waiting for a prince charming that would make me feel loved and complete was completely ridiculous and disposable, but looking at myself now, I am waiting for a prince charming, just a different kind of. My prince charming is not someone, is something. I just don’t know what it is, but maybe I will never know, because it doesn’t exist and it’s just an excuse for me to keep myself inside of my comfort zone. And I hate it. I don’t care anymore for how long I’ll live in other people’s memories, that’s not my business anymore, I’ll just live and what happens will happen. I’ve grown accustomed to being alone, not for lack of love and caring, but because I think it was always easier to deal with everything on my own. I need a hug eventually, but suffering alone seems more comfortable and easy. I like the idea of unknown people all around the world, people who I’d click instantly, an almost soulmate. Like John Green wisely quoted in Paper Towns: “I’m in love with places I’ve never been to and people I’ve never met.” I realized right now by reading some poetry to get inspired to write to you, that my mental health depends on it, words. Words of pain, words of love, words of confusion. There are two songs I feel like describe me perfectly now, both are from Lorde: “Liability” and “Writer in The Dark”, the second one is not about a lover for me, more like the people that come and go into my life. They are kind of sad songs, but I always thought those were the ones who passed the most beautiful messages. My mind works in a strange way. Finding happiness in yourself is the only way to be completely and truly free, and it’s so amazing to be able to be alive and live and have multiple experiences. I like to remind myself everyday what a waste it is to just survive when you can live. Of course there would be days the best you can do is survive, but you at least tried, and it’s okay too. If I was able, I’d keep writing to you forever, and I still have so much to talk about. But, at least for now, I’m not able to express it anymore. I ran out of ways to express myself, and it’s fine. Please be the reason someone believes in the goodness of people, keep always treating people with kindness, pet a stray dog on the way back home, smile to life, always. I love you more than you could ever think of, I’m so proud of who you are and what you are becoming. You are extremely strong and amazing, you can do anything. Sincerely yours, yourself 5 years younger.