A letter from March 23rd, 2021

Dear FutureMe, I still remember the first time we opened our eyes to witness the beauty of the world. I don't remember what age we are exactly at during that time, but we're lying on the crib with our back, and our hands trying to reach out to the people looking down at us, it was mama and siblings. "Ah, it's the family we're born into in this lifetime." Growing up, I remember clearly how extroverted we were. We are the "Pabida" type of person. The one who always wants to belong and always wants to handle things with other people. Growing up, we are curious about lots of stuff in the world, including the reason why we were born in the first place, what could have happened to us if we weren't born, or why God designed all things the way they are. Growing up, we really appreciate going to school because the lessons spark our interest and learning used to be fun, and at the same time also feels like quitting school because we must get up early in the morning and take morning cold baths. In reality, we are only driven to achieve awards because we are inspired and motivated when people appreciate our efforts. Growing up, we sometimes pray that we get sick so mama would also offer to buy us anything we want to eat (because "kuya" used to be "masakitin" and was always asked what he wants) Growing up, we did not like it that much when someone doesn't want to include us, so we find ways to change their mind. I would say we are kind of manipulative at a very young age, but we are always cunning LOL. Growing up, we ride with manipulations by voicing out reasons that will reject their arguments, which allows us to escape lots of "utos." But growing up, we also did a lot of compromising. Always choosing to understand why we are not allowed to join social activities because our family cannot afford to send us, otherwise our older siblings needed it more. Besides, we will have more time and chances when we grow up. But I was wrong! As we grew older, some people in our lives including us makes choices that did not turned out to be so perfect, choices that people taught would make them happy because it makes them happy that very moment but turns out that they were only taking risks clothed as the "right thing" that would destroy them and would also affect the people they surround. Choices that other people decided without my say on the matter (because it was not my life in the first place) but has still put me in a lot of disadvantage. From being the kid who is free to grow, I guess one out of five teenagers can relate including me, that as they are approaching teenage years, their parents seem to be more strict, more protective, and disagreeable. So, as I was saying, growing up and being used to grow freely, it was hard for us to accept that we are suddenly being fenced, being shelfed, being caged, because our parents are afraid, we might also go astray the way some people in our lives did, afraid that we may repeat history, afraid that we'll become the third fold version of people whom in the first place we are not, and we’ll never be. As a result, the extroverted child becomes introverted, the one who always wants to belong, who always wants to take up space now hates the spotlight, the one who wants to handle things with other people likes to handle things more alone. The one who has lots of friends became choosy and lost touch with hefty human interaction. The one who wants to have lots of say becomes more of a listener. The one who wants to join lots of activities is now more comfortable in choosing peace than being bombarded with different activities. I guess I did not notice earlier that I was having a burnout LOL. But looking back at my childhood and looking at myself in the mirror right now. I wonder, why did we choose to face more battles and tried to conquer the world at young age. Why not now? Why did we left behind the qualities that would be of great help facing the present, more so the future? Why did we choose to be silent now when it is due for us to speak up? You know, the world used to be so colorful as a child ...we are busy growing up appreciating our milestone and appreciating what and who we have become that we also easily appreciate people unless we are told otherwise about them by the people closer to us. I have realized at this point that we were always living with rose colored glasses on, always choosing to see things as beautiful, instead of choosing to figure out their horrors. And you know why it's relevant to see the dark side? it's because rainbows, erasable marks of pencil, more chances, and other pretty stuff are only for children. We've used up all the colors as a child because we are exploring on a lot of things, that when we are already grown up, all that's left is black and white. I remember one time, during work immersion (training). Our instructor asked us what life experience we went through that we regret the most. And I answered, 'that it was pleasing people too much, not being able to say no', and yet we answered, "pleasing people" because we are once robbed by someone we trust *face palm* so we are corrected that it was actually 'trusting people too much, that even the person we chose to trust betrayed us and robbed us.' And in fact, it was true. I've entered a certain event in life where the friends I gained used to be the people I cannot vibe with. The people whom I tried to get along with but decided not to like me, soon turned out to be my greatest friends. While the people I liked and trusted first, soon turned out to be the one mocking me. And yet I still manage to choose apologizing first for the things I did that hurt them, even if they did not realize until this very day that they did me dirty, which is why they also never apologized. And looking back we also prayed for a rewind of time. Moments when my mother and father chose to be a couple. Because whenever we encounter a conflict with our sisters, we prayed deeply under the moonlight for us to be born alone, no siblings older, nor younger than us. Yet we cannot change the fact that even if we finish first in our own race, we were still born last in the family. Yet today, I am grateful for being blessed with six siblings. Still grateful that we've get to change places and house to live, because we do not have our own to permanently settle with. Grateful for my siblings because half of my knowledge and lessons learned are from their life story and experiences. As sometimes, decisions I chose to incorporate for the future always stand corrected when proven wrong by their current life choices. And it was a relief that I have lots of open books as references to help me pick a better choice, they serve as my chisel to shape better decisions. Grateful for moving places, even if we must leave behind the comfort, memories, and friends. Because we gained a wider perspective of things, gained lots of lessons, was able to adjust at different situations, become more flexible in handling new experiences, and learned few dialects. And I know, probably at this point, you are already tired and bored reading about your past. So, I decided to just list few realizations so far: 1. Every time you changed places, you are awakened to new surroundings, new culture, new people, new ideals. And after all those years of changing places to live, changing friends, adjusting, and adapting. I have come to a realization that every single time we open our eyes to new surroundings, everything also becomes new. Everything was synced and programmed to restart. it is like we forgot everything we've become in the past few years and everything we learned from past experiences. We thrive everyday surviving the new environment with zero application of the past experiences. Why did we never consider collecting and compiling who we have become instead of living every single day as if we never existed yesterday? Maybe that was the reason in the first place why people keep repeating the same mistakes. 2. You used to cry with people about their battles in life, yet you cry alone when it is your time to face or remember problems you considered petty. Why were you so caught up in people's life? Trying to fix a portion of them and all your efforts becoming a waste because it is too late for you to realize that you can only tell people what to do, but they will still do what they want to do. Why are you so busy being available for others when you also have lots of things to cater? Some people will not be available for you the same way you were always giving them a portion of your time. And at this point, you are already tired of people. 3. And my so far greater realization is that.... I was busy looking at people, observing their every move, reading them like an open book, making them as a reference to make better decisions in life that I forgot time did not stopped and wait, it also moved for me, and today I am still kind ‘a moving in a slow pace. That is when it hit me. That maybe, other people are the type that needs to move as they think, while I am the type of person that needs to think before I move. (LOL, what the heck was that?) But it is not right, I also have to upgrade my pace. 4. And bonus drama is that I always knew that I was never anyone's favorite. No matter how hard it is to accept, but the truth is, there will always be that someone that will have more impact to a certain person, a person who will have more space in someone's heart. And in this case, I was talking about our family. My mother's favorite has always been my brother, and my father’s favorite are my older sisters. And so, as I stand with my beliefs, I also started choosing myself as my favorite. It is okay not to be chosen as the best, it's okay to sometimes stop proving anything, as long as I’m not also branded as the worst. Just like how it was okay for me not to be called an angel (or the "mabait" kid) when I do not obey the commands, as long as I’m not also labeled as a demon ("masama ugali") for not obeying the commands. Anyways. my fingers are already exhausted typing all these dramas, and I am also tired squeezing memories out of my brain, I just wrote to say that... Past experiences are like alcoholic beverages you know? Some people would say it makes them forget as an excuse to cover up their wrong doings. When the truth is, you remember everything you did after downing that beer that makes you drunk. In fact, being drunk makes you brave to say and do things, That's it! Therefore, past experiences are like alcoholic beverages, a mixture of sting, bitterness, and sometimes hint of sweet memories, and when you give your mind a shot of that booze, you become drunk, you become brave, you gain the courage to face the present and fight for whatever awaits the future. And at this very moment, I am offering you a toast of that booze. I hope it is enough for you to have a taste of the past in able for you to become strong, brave, and bold again. To gain courage in facing the present, and courage to move whatever barriers the future. This time, I am asking you to remember who you were and what you have become, so please make the realizations an action too. This is still me, a portion of you. And I still believe that it is never too late for you to conquer the world again, no matter how big it may have become than how it used to. You are never designed for something small when the world was made huge for you to move bigger. So be brave my future self, I will always be proud of you, and right now, I am already proud of you. ๓คгՇђє๔гเค Always rooting for your success, Self...