A letter from March 23rd, 2021

Dear FutureMe, I am lost, really lost at the moment. How are you? Please tell me you didn’t give up. You are alive, right? Did you settle down? Got a nice job with a nice wage? I’m battling, fighting with full force at the moment. I feel like my soul is drifting, I can’t stand the emptiness. The sense of paranoia is quite overwhelming at the moment, I wanna end it. I fell and weeped and got back up and fell again and .. I’m stuck in a loop. Life lost its spark in my eyes long ago, a tasteless, bland life isn’t what I aimed for. I can’t do what I want thanks to my circumstances, and I don’t know if I wanna live a life like this. Why am I Forcing myself to live such a misery? I’m suffering, I can’t breathe and the loud bumping voices in my head won’t stop. Every single thought is rattling and fighting inside my head for dominance. I want to wrench my heart so bad, once again I’m hitting the ground. Have I always been the pitiful and feeble? Nothing, nothing could possibly mend my broken and shattered heart. My life ended before it even started. It isn’t fair, not fair! I tried my best, I swear I did. But nothing, nothing was enough. A breath just escaped my mouth, so I take a deeeeep breath wondering if it’s my last. I can do this, I am really proud of you if you are reading this. And if you aren’t, for that exact reason then I would love to tell the world how much I hated it. Those people.. they robbed the of happiness I deserved, they locked me up in a cage were no single light could enter. My hope was destroyed. You try to talk to new people, to commit new things and go on with your life. But you go back to square one. No one would ever love me, am I so undesirable? Am I that bad? I want to be loved unconditionally by someone, anyone! Please hold me tightly, never let me go. Let me know you at least will care if I’m gone. I know that even the you reading my letter now won’t have that special person. Pathetic, aren't we? I hate this so much. Please, please just live. Go on and find happiness. Get rid of this ******* feeling that aches my heart so much. That feeling that I can’t shake off no matter what. That feeling that would be the end of me.