A letter from March 18th, 2021

Dear 2026 me, If I could have it my way, I would simply stop existing. Life seems like such a pointless journey. A never-ending cycle of repetitive acts, punctuated by heartbreak, hurt and disappointments. Mum says to see the abundance in our lives and be grateful because "the Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want". I see the privileges I hold. I'm lucky for so many things in my life, and yet more often than not, there's that voice that just says "but wouldn't it be easier to not exist?" and more often than not, I agree. I wish I could wipe the world clean of any trace I ever existed. I wish I could make all of those who know me forget. I wish there was a way I could simply disappear. I know life will be good one day, I just don't know when. Waiting for better days to come is like waiting for a late period - you know it'll come eventually, but my god, does the waiting suck. I feel constantly torn, between the desire to just run off somewhere to start over, and the fear of more failures and pain. Will I find success? Will I find love? Will I find true understanding? Will I be able to look back on a life fully lived or will I simply stop existing? If I could have it my way, I would simply stop existing. Love, 2021 You