A letter from March 15th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, where are you now, near or far from Amster***? How is Annabelle as a teenager, how often do you see her? Are you lonely, are you with someone who cares for you? Have you settled, can you settle? Was the pain worth it? Did you transform the pain into something meaningful? As time stood not still but on hold in 2020 and 2021 for a large part, these thoughts were impacting your life more than anything. You had no place to ground yourself. You had to tell people about wanting to leave. People were telling you that this is a bad idea. Your idea about shaping your future and being hopeful (yet again) was powerful and deep. You never stopped loving your child, you healed a good bit from the separation, from the abortion, in order to realise what you need and want and to believe once more in better days. You kept believing in a happy future but you feel guilty for your wish, at least for the shape you think it will take. Remember that time, 2010 when your goal was to experience a different reality? That was your personal goal for the journey and you experienced it. Easing in, day by day just finding yourself in a new world, as a new you. And then the wheel stood still, one day. A peaceful moment. It was your defined goal back then, it was something important. As if you were wanting to know if you can exist elsewhere. And since then the longing to be back in India began, began and never stopped. It has never stopped. Did you jump in the deep end? How did it all work out? I embrace you, I believe in you. It's not that you carry hate or negativity in your heart. It should be fine, you should be fine. Stay healthy and strong! Your past self