A letter from March 14th, 2021

Dear Stella, I'm afraid. I'm scared. I'm so ******* sad. I want to grow up. Okay? I want that. I want to be out of this ever-changing life. I don't want to live in an RV. I want to be back in Washington with my very few friends. I want everyone that I've lost to ***** to come back. I want to have a relationship with my dad. I want to fit in. I want a decent childhood. I DON'T want to be autistic. I don't want to live under these rules. I don't want to be shushed and un-understood. I don't want to grow up... ... Growing up is scary, you know what I mean? I don't want to lose all these memories, these little bits and parts of ME. People are going to come and go, Luna might die... Hailey might forget about me. Yet at the same time, I don't want to stay young. I want to take action, take charge of my life. Make it MY life, follow MY passions. I want to own a petstop(just like our childhood one), become the photographer I know is in me, publish countless books, show the world that I can breed hermit crabs... Today wasn't so great. It's sawyer's birthday! Just realized that~ are you spending it with him?? You better. Anyways~ today wasn't so great. I cried. a lot. It was over dad. He keeps on doing these things as if he wants me to feel worthless. Though he's achieved that, of course. I mean why would a 9yr/o think about suicide without even knowing that word?? Ah~ getting off topic, sorry. He holds me onto my past, thinking I'm going to be an ignorant 8 year old kid! He acts like I abuse floki, when I obviously don't, I love animals! He acts like I ******* jack/sawyer 24/7, when I ACCIDENTLY elbowed them! OMG, cut me some slack! I'm a kid! I'm an AUTISTIC kid, for that matter! A kid, neatherless, who has a brain, who is HUMAN. Omg I'm pissed right now. Yes, I am venting to you. Get used to it. ... What would you say to me right now? Hang in there, it's going to get better soon? Keep your head high and love every moment? I know what I'd say to my past self. Wish we could send letters to the past, not the future, wouldn't that be convenient? ... I'm proud of you. At least I think I am. You're 19 about now, right? Did you know I'm 14? Course you did, there's a date on the header. XD I have some questions... think about them, answer them, then reflect. 1) Is there someone you love? Put yourself out there, girl. It's the only way you'll make any friends, let alone an person who loves you for you. 2) How many books have you published? War of the Moon better be on that list! >:0 3) Is Luna... no, I'm not going to say that. Tell her you love her. Right now. Either to her floofy face, her ashes, one of the thousand pictures, even the sky for heavens sake! Tell that bird how much you love her and what she's done for you. (shes yelling at me in the background rn XD) 4) Have you considered starting your petstore yet? I have so manny gosh darn ideas atm! 5) Hailey... Hailey hailey hailey hailey. Text her, okay? Tell her you love her and me from 5 years ago loves her. And If your states away, plan something, alright? meet up with her soon. Bffs, maybe in distance but never in heart. <3 (see the pun in that? me from 5 yrs ago? No? okay~) (Of course, explain what this is. She'll need some context, lol) 6) Tell yourself your proud of yourself. I don't know you, but I know me. And I know that I have a very low self eastem, and right now I want someone to say they love me and hug me. Ahhhh I rambled SO much. And the thing is I'm not even going to re-read this! It sucks, I know. So much for my authory talents XD. But I guess that's what makes it exciting, huh? a random, totally raw, out of the blue letter? crazy. Oh. I really hope you still have this email. Oop~ ~Stella out~