Adulting (More or Less)

On the day you are reading this, you will be the legal age of an adult. Do you still wish you were older? I am currently flunking my grade and in critical risk of retaking or going to dreaded summer school. But honestly, it doesn't seem so bad. I'd rather retake than move on to some wack topic I know nothing about. I don't plan on going to a high-status college nor do I plan on even going so does it really matter if I fail one grade? Probably, but it really doesn't change much (I think.) I am really interested in learning about psychology, though. I don't know anything about college stuff but that seems more of a future me problem, don't you think? The virus did numbers. Maybe triple digit numbers. Maybe more. But to be completely honest, I think it only messed up my grades -- which is still bad. I don't want to go back to in-person schooling but if I do: might I ask how it went? Because little me needs some advice. I'm not naming names but how did it go with so-and-so? I freaked when I saw she was in my math class. Especially when she told me face to face that she was moving to Maryland. That's literally all the way across the country. I don't want anything to do with her but if it must come down to that then I guess I'll die. No, but seriously I don't want to be with her again or even be in her presence because she scares me so much. Other than her, I just don't want to see the teachers because some are extremely intimidating. I just know the teachers are going to give me some side eye. One question I really want to ask because I'll never let myself rest easily if I don't ask: Did you lose them? Moreover, did you lose yourself? Now, I put this on public so I'm not going to splurge all the very personal details but I think you know what I'm talking about. Do you still express your love with tears? Did you ever find the words? Or are you still soul-searching? Are you still terrified at the fact that they may become a memory? Or do you venture down the prison in your mind just to meet them again? (In short terms: are they a memory now?) Lastly, did you do it? Years of planning - did you ever really keep your promise? Because you and me talk, you never seem to keep promises. Not even to yourself. I want to believe you never let them go but that's me 5 years ago. Things happen. Life moves on. And I'm sorry you can't move the world just to change that. But please, if you're reading this, just one more trip through your memories. Play them at night and spill all your love. Maybe a little bit of rage, too. I just can't accept that one day it's all just going to be trapped in a memory. Sorry, it got all depressing but I just really wanted to know. Enough of the sad sad let's move onto the future. Screaming at the top of a mountain Yes? No? I really hope you did this one. It seems so fun. Broke/homeless Yes? No? Honestly, wouldn't be surprised if you were, though. College Yes? No? It better be psychology if you did because you'd just be wasting your time if it was some other thing. Weight Yes? No? If you're a random person reading this you probably won't get this but that's fine, you must not know. Job Yes? No? If it's not at a fast food place: quit. Unless you get like $15+ minimum. I don't really know what else. So I guess we'll travel on over to the next segment. You ever have some weird crazy dream (or nightmare) that you still remember? You remember that one dream. About you running from *redacted*. It was a dream, alright. Just kidding, not those dreams. I mean yes, those dreams but like not really. Did you ever travel to Canada or some other place? (Most likely the Netherlands, France, or Japan) I'd honestly love it if I visited Japan, maybe just for the clothes and then I'd leave because I do not know a single Japanese word even though I'm the descendant of a literal Japanese man. If I do visit Canada (maybe live there, wink, wink, nudge) I want to get a dog and a small cabin. That is all I want. Besides two big speakers to blast while lying on a very cold floor. Also snow. I have never seen nor touched snow with my bare hands. I want snow. I need it. Did you get a dog? You better because I'll be so bored if you don't. Get a Samoyed or something. You can go on walks and you get to feed it and pet it. There's no reason not to except for the grooming and caring and literally everything that people don't show you on the internet. Are you still ugly? I'm only half-joking with this one. Did you get kicked out? It's either he said that to scare you or he genuinely doesn't want you around anymore. I'm going with both. Did you ever get to express yourself more? Because currently, I own just 3 shirts and a pair of sweatpants, the rest are just not it. I don't like the rest, they either are short sleeves, too tight, or just ugly or have an ugly picture printed on them and I wouldn't want to be seen in public wearing that. I just want clothes, man, good clothes. Hey, dude. You've read close to 1,000 words. It's getting kind of boring, right? I'm pretty sure you don't want to hear from me anymore and I get that. I hope you get to drink some cool drinks when you're [21] because I really want to see if alcohol is that good. Get drunk and blast music in your small cabin. I have a strong feeling I'm going to regret not writing more. I want my past and future to talk to each other. But that's not how reality works and I'm bummed. I have a sense I'm going to look at this when I'm 18 and just feel sad. Knowing I did this for me and knowing I’ll never be able to talk back because my past self is gone. Aw, man. I'm lost in time. Hello, me. You'll be alright. It's going to be alright. I won't be here anymore but you are still alive and I want you to promise you'll live for me. A fun, risk-filled life full of lessons and love and friends and all sorts of messed up crazy things. My life is over. Yours has just begun. ____ *If you're a random person strolling across the rows of FutureMe letters and you're reading mine this far - talk to me, please. I want to know you and I hope maybe we can be friends. It's what young me would've wanted. And honestly, I'm 18 now, I could use some new faces. Email: spadesinbox@gmail.com