A letter from March 6th, 2021

Dear Future Me. I suppose I'm 21 now. Hi. How are you? If you said "fine" or "good" or "ok" or "busy" or something else equally lame and vague, then I'm disappointed. I guess we're still the same people. Do you still struggle to open up to others? I suppose I'll tell you where I'm at right now (Grammarly is currently telling me I sound optimistic. Either that's comically wrong or I need to improve my writing style). Sorry about the tangent (and, no, not geometry. That has been permanently erased from our minds). That might happen a few times. My attention span is terribly short. Anyways. I'm a junior (in high school) right now. They say that it's the hardest year. Maybe they're right. But because I'm well-performing with almost straight A's, a stressful and overwhelming course load, and because I play many sports, I'm not slotted as someone who fits into whatever the category is that screams "help me". The counselor doesn't look out for me. Teachers laugh when I ask for an extension. And I'm expected to have it all together. I get it. I live a relatively perfect life. Anyone would **** to have what I have. My biggest problem is that I don't know what I'm going to wear tomorrow or if my underwear line shows through my pants. And yet, I can't find satisfaction or anything that doesn’t resemble fleeting happiness amidst it all. I'm always chasing the next high, whatever that may be. I fill my life busyness so that I won't have to think about stuff like this. I have parents who are still together and who, on paper, love me. But when it comes to emotional support, I'm alone. This year has been rough for everyone. And I'm no different. My life has become a little darker, and I'm a little more alone. My mental health has significantly deteriorated. Even though I thought it wasn't possible, my relationship with my parents is worse than ever. My own thoughts are often the darkest place to be and yet I live there and can't leave. I hope you have someone to talk to, now. I hope you've been able to learn how to be vulnerable with others. Being surrounded by people but still feeling desperately alone is one of the worst feelings. I hope you love yourself. I hope that, when you stand in the bathroom naked staring into the mirror for many long minutes at a time, you are able to accept who you are. I hope that, when you look back at your life, you're able to say that you are deserving of love. Our greatest desire as humans is for people to love and want us for who we are. Not for what we can do or how successful we are or how we make others feel. In an age where we are never really able to accept our authentic selves, much less love ourselves, we're paralyzed by the fear of rejection, of not fitting in, of never being enough, or of falling short. So, we try to fit into a generic template that we think will make us popular or accepted or loved. And, inevitably, in the process, we lose ourselves. In a world filled with more than 7.5 billion people, we're obsessed with being like each other. We're no longer unique. In short, we're pretty boring. But on to a lighter topic. Do you still play soccer? Have you found that spark again? The rush of adrenaline, the motivation to play for yourself? Or are you still trying to find it? Do you play because you're expected to instead of because you love it? Isn't it crazy how we let other people dictate our lives? What we do, what we wear, how we look, where we go, who and what we love, and, the doozy, who we are. Are we not the captains of our own ship? Maybe that wasn't light. Sorry. I've asked myself why I'm posting this publicly. I'm hardly an artist, but I think that a huge draw to art is the possibilities and potential. One can paint a painting, draw a drawing, dance a dance, write a writing. And, in the process, they can express themselves in the most authentic and vulnerable way possible, pouring their heart, soul, blood, sweat, and tears into it anonymously. We aren't judged by a society that is obsessed with criticizing. Personally, my biggest goal for all of it is that at least just one person would be able to relate and maybe even find comfort in knowing that they aren't alone. That what they feel is valid. That they are understood and loved. Something that I've been thinking about a lot recently is how we tend to want to give the most to others what we wish we had. I wish I was happy. I wish that people would see me for who I am. And, if I can't experience that myself, then I want to help others feel that way. And that's something I've found myself doing a lot of this past year. So, if you're still struggling: don't do it. I know it's hard. I want to say that I have it all figured out and that it's worth the pain, the wait. But I honestly can't. All I can say is that you don't know what the future holds for you. And you never will if you don't wait around. I love you. Talk soon. "There's something special about a kid's smile. I see in their faces what we all used to be before the world got hold of us" (Charles Martin).