A letter from March 4th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, Covid takes everything. It literally knows no limit. So many people have lost loved ones, their lives, opportunities because of it. I'm fed up of it too, sometimes I think it might be causing some kind of depression in me. Not that this is covid related, but you got rejected from a research application summer program thing in Chicago today. You worked so hard on the application and were almost sure you would be chosen. Guess not. On top of everything else that's happening its really not a good mix. I don't know what's the point anymore. I work my *** off everyday, I work really hard and yet when I have a chance to get something in return I get nothing. Unfortunately I'm also learning or at least maybe forcing myself to learn that happiness isn't really in the cards for 2021, or you know for the most part in general. Because even if you get chosen for something it gets cancelled in a couple weeks anyways. Thats what happens to me. So now the Chicago thing, last year it was study abroad that I got into but got cancelled because of Corona. **** this ****. I cry myself to sleep most night, that and music to fall asleep to because the silence is too loud for me. At the same time I'm in contact with M most nights and honestly its so confusing to navigate. We talked about *** a couple nights ago, v strange bc it was such a bluntly honest conversation and we seemed to be on the same wavelength about things and yet when we 'were together' things didn't work out and left everyone heartbroken. Or at least it left me heartbroken, I think he recovered quite quickly. But hey thats not the point of the letter. The point is to tell you that I'm disillusioned, I'm stressed and I'm high on anxiet. I don't know what to do with myself anymore, let alone this summer. There is always such a pressure to do more. I'm so tightly strung. I am already doing so much and yet its still not enough. Everyday I walk around with a lump in my throat not knowing how to make it go away. Everyday I walk with tears in my eyes not knowing how to hide the pain. I just miss my life. I miss me.