A letter from February 25th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, I guess I just wanted write down my thoughts umm I was reading old conversations w/ Cris (idk why I thought that was a good idea) and I came across a lot of things that surprised me. Its crazy how I have no memories of these things like things I said and conversations we had. As always he lied about ever getting w that other girl. And he said sorry a lot, gave compliments and try to make me feel good or make me feel like I was special to him. He said things like “your my best friend” “I don’t trust anyone like I trust you” I’ll never___ like I do with you” etc. and I did confront him and actually shared my thoughts so I was doing better than I remember. I honestly hope he read every word and I wonder how he’s doing now I don’t ever talk to him- not bc I don’t care but bc it’s just not healthy and it’s not worth it. He’s been the hardest person to let go of ever and I’d be hurting myself by letting him in again for any reason. Some times I still think about the past and play scenarios in my head even tho it’s rare for me to do it I still do at times. I told myself I wanted to get to a mental state where I just accept everything and don’t hold any hate or remorse and I’m so glad I set that goal for myself bc I’ve stuck to it and have made lots of progress. I understand now that we just weren’t right for each other, I was simply to young and naïve, his actions weren’t my fault, the fact that I believed in him and admired him thru all things I was put thru didn’t make me dumb bc I didn’t know better it was genuine I really had the love that looked past all the negative things that came out way. I think what hurt the most was reading the things I said and telling him over and over, just explaining why he was wrong and why he hurt me then having to read him just sending simple sentences like it didn’t matter or completely changing the subject or only responding to one specific thing I’d say but I guess there’s no other way to communicate with someone who doesn’t love and respect you. Reading “that broke me” hurt bc it truly did break me. Reading “ I went thru the break up alone “ hurt as well bc I did and I felt so alone I cried so much I was in emotionally agony and I was exhausted. I wanna day “I don’t get why it didn’t work out” or “I don’t get why he just moved on” but the answer is that things weren’t right from the beginning and things were bound to go south even tho I didn’t see it coming till it did and it hit me HARD. I honestly still struggle with being around him, things are still awkward and confusing and I wish they were just different. I wish his presence didn’t phase me and all thought I’ve gotten better at controlling myself and my thoughts (with prayer and the help of God ofc) I’m still not fully at the state where I’m indifferent to him being around, to hearing his name or hearing about him. I would like that to change but I guess I have to dig deeper for that. Maybe I’m just emotional bc I’m on my period but a thought just crossed my mind, I wish I could hug him one last time... and truly I know there’s nothing he can give me that I couldn’t already give myself but I know a small tiny part of me is still back there in the wreck and is still clinging to small little things about the past. I hope that part of me knows that the past doesn’t need us and we don’t benefit in any way by going back, the future needs us, the people around us need us, the people who actually care and help us grow. But this isn’t the end of the world , it may not feel like everything is going right everything is in its place but I’ll continue to grow and before I know it I’ll be a whole different version of myself who has learned and understood even more. Take care <3 God loves you, he holds your heart not some guy.