A letter from February 24th, 2021

Dear fam, These couple of years I feel I want to give up everything, I lose hope. There are days that i wish i was dead days that I want to disappear or be invisible I wish i was nobody no one knows me that’s why i don't want to talk. I'm always shut... mute... I.. I’m not smart I'm not good at anything people tell me I'm dumb, lazy, not good, cant caht up ( see I cant also spell.. I’ll search the spelling no worries... my bad... I'm sorry. I'm not smart enough to be recognized by people but just by my pretty face. It’s not my problem that I have this face it’s my parent's problem, not mine, why do they have to give birth to me if they don’t want me and my sister? Why? Why do you guys give us away? Mommy.... do you just like ate? (Dafnie) you... you don’t seem to like me ever since. You didn’t even introduce me to your new husband but my sister only... I love you what I always want to remind myself not to hate you but I still do... why do you even care to give us expensive clothes that i/we cant even wear can you... can you just pay our tuition fee so I can graduate instead and have a good life? Dad... I care for you but pls don't give us unnecessary stuff that we can't even use? Pay for my books instead of uniform... I can't handle myself... it’s you guys why I'm like this... it’s you guys why I'm not good enough... I can’t be myself anymore I don’t know who am i) catch up. People don’t know who the real me is, nobody knows! I sometimes tell myself why can't I be my sister who likes to read books knows how to spell knows how to cook. This house I’m living in for years now is like home but not the people I’m with, I always think how is it like to have a family complete family how does it feels to be loved giving everything you need or want, never let anyone hurt you, let you be you, ask if you’re alright, seek if you’re doing good in school, help you in anything, give what they think is good for you and your health. I'm still thankful for my aunt&uncle since you guys become my parents you guys are a great human being I love you and I’m thankful for raising me and my sister ever since but why can’t I have my own privacy? Can you guys not look into my chats or phone or anything else? You always do that and now thinking that I'm good at hiding something from you guys? I have so many secrets? Of course, I do, of course, I am you made me like this, and I think it’s so sad... Why do you guys still think I’m a kid? When I’m already 20, I know I act differently when I’m with someone else really different when I’m in the house because I don’t know who am I since my emotions are locked up inside of me and I don’t know how to let it out and tell it to someone who can understand I just want to talk to someone about this or you guys so you can understand how I always felt and not telling me how numb I am since I don’t cry or talk sometimes in front of you guys... and please don’t judge me for who am I since I’m trying to find the real me I'm trying to understand why people don’t like me (and people will say “ kami we care Hindi mo lang alam pero we care, hindi mo lang napapansin pero andito lang kami para sayo” but I don’t like that... I don't want that... all I want is to feel appreciated... I want my mom or dad even my sister or my aunt or uncle to say that to me... to comfort me and let them talk it out ask how am I feeling) I don’t have friends sa school I always eat alone but you don't know that you guys don't know that... I sometimes cry in the restroom or in the library in the corner thinking when will this end.. why??? Why do I talk to random people on the Internet? It's dangerous, I know... I know it is, it’s not like I'm going to meet up with them! I just want to talk to someone who I can open up with plus I never, never gave them my personal information all the people I’ve talked to my real name, how old am I, where I'm from, my nationality and so on all they know is how I struggle and how sad I am. But what I’ve learned is how I can control my emotions how I can take a deep breath and hide it in which is also bad but I think it’s worth it... I don’t need to explain myself I don’t need to talk and to look like nothing happened but my mind is messy I can’t think right... I can't think what I want to say I can't talk right if I want to explain something that I want to make myself clear I cant, which is only I can if I write it down like right now. Im sorry if pabigat ako sorry boba ako... sinabi mo... hindi mo ko tinawag na bobo at tinanong mo ko kelan mo yun sinabi sakin... sinabi mo na isipin ko, hindi ako makasagot kasi alam ko ikaw parin yung mananalo pero oo tandang tanda ko payun ako yung sinabihan mo.. at nasaktan ako ng sobra dahil hindi lng naman yun ang sinabi mo sa akin pati yung salitang “tanga” nag stuck yun sa utak ko at hindi ko makakalimutan... kasi it was years ago I accepted it naman dahil totoo.. malandi ako katulad ni mommy? dahil chat ako ng chat sa ibang tao? Edi sino pwede kong pag sabihan ng mga problema ko okay lng naman hindi naman nila ako kilala.. ang dami ko nang palusot na sinabi.. hindi naman kayo nag kulang sa pag lalake samin pero ang toxic lang... yess ikaw na yung matalino at masipag you became want you want you having a big house making a perfect child and i am bless to be with you. Plus sabi mo “Kahit wag nyo kami mahalin katulad ng pagmamahal nyo s mga magulang nyo” i never think i love my parents as much as i love you guys i never do but i like them as a human being, how could i love my parents if they did this to me?. At “Ang hindi ko gusto e yun wala k n b gagawin para magimprove kung saan k mahina” i am doing something, i am doing my best, you don’t understand it’s not like I don’t like good grades i just want to make you proud and im always trying my best to make myself good at school and finding a way how to make you guys proud but all i can do is buy or make some cake, gift or help you to do the household chores. I always think what do I want in the future? Be a doctor as you told me so or be who I want to be an architect or a traveler🤩 every time I hear the word architect it lights up my day it gives me chill but you told me it’s hard to find a company that will accept me I don't know, is it because of my grades or there is someone who is more good at me (I always think about that and yes there will always be someone better than me) But since I don't think no one will support me it’s either I still live like this and trying to keep up just to become a doctor that I think it’s not for me... in second thought this is always in my mind after I graduate college I’ll do what I think it is good for me or even I don’t I will still become a traveler😌🤩 I don’t like to live in this big *** house I’ll save up some money and build a tiny house! I know it will be far from the future but I still want it. You asking me why I want that? Well🙋🏽‍♀️ I want to see the world, see different cultures, eat different cuisine and meet new people I'm still young I'm in my 20s now and I think I don't need the opinion of other people telling me how should I live. I’m sorry I take it back I'm smart! I'm smart but in a different way I'm just not a book smart type of person but I know stuff and I’m not dumb people just have a different level of smartness. While writing this down it makes me even feel better :) But thinking where should I start?.... I feel good now😌 I stopped crying😊 HAHAHA I'm so dramatic Ps. Love yourself pls Don’t let your worst day be your last.✨ It’s a bad day, not a bad life. Someday you’ll look back and be glad you stayed.💖 Email: zy.montesa@gmail.com