A letter from February 22nd, 2021

Dear FutureMe, Hey. I never know how to start these things. The magnitude of what I'm doing shocks me every time. I'm literally sending this to a future version of myself. Someone who doesn't even exist yet. It's so so so so so weird to think about. Anyways, hi future me! I don't know why I wanted to send this but I just felt like it right now. I haven't journaled in a while so maybe there are some things I just want to say and can't get the motivation to pick up a pen and write. Sorry if this letter is depressing. I'm sad, but not in the crying every day, normal depressed way you usually think of. I'm just genuinely deeply sad every moment I'm alone with myself and I don't know why. My life is good. I don't have to stress about food, money, housing, or anything huge like that. I get to spend my time in quarantine in a big ******* house with my dad's credit card to buy groceries and anything else I really need. I should be grateful. And I am! I am SO grateful for everything I have. Yet I'm still sad, and I can't figure out why. I feel so bottled up with this sadness, and I can't just let it out by crying. It's emotional constipation and I don't understand why. Am I really even sad if I don't cry about it? What do I even have to cry about? MY LIFE IS GOOD. I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO CRY ABOUT. I have so much privilege and yet it means nothing if I'm just sad and alone. Not that I'm alone. I don't even feel lonely, which is another thing normal depressed people feel, right? So I'm not depressed then. But then why am I sad? Or am I feeling another emotion that isn't sadness? I can't even name it but it just feels wrong. I feel wrong. I've been happy before, and for some reason, I feel like if I were really depressed I would have been depressed my whole life. Which doesn't make sense and is not right at all. I should just go to therapy huh. I have the resources too. I'm sure my insurance would cover it, so why don't I go? Oh yeah, I'd have to tell mom and dad I wanted to go to therapy, and it wouldn't even be that huge of a deal but it seems impossible to attempt to have that conversation with them. UGH, why am I like this? I could figure that out if I went to therapy, but then we get into a never-ending circle. I hope you went to therapy. I don't know when I'm sending this to, but I really hope you figured out how to do it, or finally mustered up the strength to just ask dad. This definitely should have been a journal entry. Sorry that you got stuck with this one. I usually try to keep these more upbeat or forward-looking but I'm struggling to find the good anymore. It's been almost a full year in quarantine and I'm losing some of the best years of my life. I'm not okay right now. I hope things are looking up for you. I hope you appreciate being able to hug your friends, and sit in cars with them and blast the music and not have to worry about potentially spreading a virus that could **** their family. I hope you found friends after all this. I know I have friends now but I feel so distant from them because I literally am. I just want to send this to the future to make sure I have one. And that it's better than right now. I miss the Before, but maybe I can look forward to the After. When's the after? I'm just gonna put 5 years because if it's not better by then, we have a whole other set of issues. ANYWAYS, this has been depressing. It did get me to shed a couple tears though, which is nice. It makes me feel more human. Hope you're feeling human. Love, 20 year old you