A letter from February 19th, 2021

Hey, how are you doing? I actually made another later for the future but this is different. I want to ask you about our romantic life. As you know, we screw it up so many times that we said "I will never be with someone again". But i did it again. I broke my own promise and i don't know how to fix my mistake. i've been ghosting k because i realized i am not in love with her and all those months i've been basically faking it because i played with my own mind to make it believe i deserve this love. I just wanted to feel loved, just like the other times. i'm so sorry. I don't want to hurt her but i have to if i wanna tell her the truth. i am so tired of this, i am so sick of manipulating my mind to believe i'm in love when i just want someones who truly loves me and then no feeling nothing back. At the moment i don't notice that i'm doing it, that's why it took me almost 7 months to realize that. But now i did realized and i feel terrible. Well, sometimes i do. My mind is such a disaster right now and i can¿t even know if i'm thinking clearly, if i'm being the fake me or the broken me, or if i actually don't feel sorry or remorse for what i did to K. How am i supossed to tell? What do i have to tell her? The truth? I know, but it just doesn't sit right for me. I have the feeling that this will not be the last time i'll break someone's heart. Right now, at this moment while i'm writing this, i don't feel bad for K and her feeling, but it's because i am numb again. I am kinda worried. Anyways, i really hope you went/are going to therapy to treat your mental illneses. K doesnt deserve what i did to her. So i want to know if you fixed something. Are you and G still friends or you never talked to him again after ghosting him this year? Did Dav wrote a song about you being mad and an ******* yet?What about Coo and Jim? Did them talked to you again? And what about M and N? Did K forgive you? Are you stil in contact with her? She is very emotional dependent, but i don't want her to forgive me now and say something like "We can still being friends". Are you somewhere else now? Did you escaped? I hope you did. Do you have friends now? Real friends who truly love you and you care about them? do you have a girlfriend or boyfriend? I want you to. But i don't want it if you are the same as me, i really don't. Well, i have to go to sleep. Please answer this if you are still alive, and talk about it with someone. Bye