A letter from February 12th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, By the time you'll read this, you will be 25 years old. It's your 25th birthday, actually. I hope you're still here. Here are some things happening by this time: hopefully you will have graduated from your Master's degree (that or law school-- we're still a junior in college right now so we don't know where we'll go). Your US VISA also expires this year-- I hope the pandemic died out by this time, I hope you were able to use it. Right now, PresentMe is sitting in your bed catching up on schoolwork (I'm kidding, I'm procrastinating). I just received a letter from myself dated February 12, 2020, which is so weird because that was before the pandemic hit, before everything went in to lockdown. Right now, we are nearing the one year anniversary of the last time you saw your friends from college. Honestly, the only other person we see on a regular-ish basis aside from our family and the church is Carol, and that's mainly because we both cut off everyone from high school once we flew off to college, haha. Are you still friends with Carol now? I know, especially right now, that our differences are so glaringly obvious, and I know right now we're nearing the point where our paths might separate-- not in a dramatic way, y'know, but because it's clear that we won't always be together. She's still our best friend now, but I know that once we graduate college we're going to live very different lives, and I'm trying to be okay with that. You know I don't handle change that well, because you're me, and she's been our best friend since 11th grade, and we both went off to the same university together ! Change is hard, man. I hope you keep in touch, though. The past year has been ****, but it's also gone so, so fast. In the blink of an eye, you're more than halfway through university. FutureMe, do you think we wasted our university life by joining an org that took up more than half your time? I don't know if you'll remember this four years down the line, but mama and papa made us quit that org two months ago, because they realized how bad it was getting for me, mentally and emotionally. We might not see eye to eye with mama and papa a lot of times, but this time it was good. They were looking out for us. Leaving b*****P was such a painful experience, but it was also like the lightening of a load, you know? I've been carrying around this heavy weight on my back, not necessarily because people were looking up at me, but because I wanted people to /like/ me. I thought staying in that org - even when I knew it was already so taxing emotionally and mentally - would get people to like me more, because why would people like me if I'm not productive? I hope you're no longer like that, FutureMe. I hope you understand that you do not need to have mental breakdowns to prove your productivity. I hope you understand that you do not need to break yourself in order to prove yourself worthy to be loved. I'm sorry for venting, I know you probably have a lot more stuff to do than listen to twenty-year-old you vent. But I also know you love drama, so I'm not too worried about that. Speaking of, how are you now? I know I said that I hope we already graduated from our Master's or from Law School at this point, and I admit I'm gonna say I'll be a bit disappointed if we haven't yet, but also know that I'm a massive ***** right now so does my opinion really matter? HAHA anyways, I hope you at least got the guts to actually do what you want, and I hope you're happy with it. I really do hope that. I hope that we grew out of making other people happy and actually looked for our own happiness, which I know is pretty hazy now because we've been basing our standard of success to what everyone around us expected of us. I hope we're happy, I'm manifesting it now. I hope that someday, some time along the line, we can say that we're happy and actually mean it. Happiness. Genuine, unadulterated happiness. And I hope you get to share this happiness with others as well. Also where are we right now? Are we at home (like, in the province), are we still in the country, or are we already abroad? Like, literally, where are we celebrating our 25th birthday because I /need/ to know! I hope you find love, real love this time. I hope you actually allow yourself to be loved the way you deserved to be loved-- the way that PresentMe still isn't exactly sure I'm deserving of it. I hope we learn in the four or so years since I've written this letter that it's okay to let people in, and I know that it's scary, having other people actually know you and see you, but I think we need to remember this as well: To be loved is to be seen. We shouldn't be afraid of that. I hope you know you make mama and papa proud. I know right now we're trying to convince ourselves that we don't, because we hate us and we're also really, really self destructive in that way, but I hope you know this. I hope you know that people actually love you, and that it's okay to let people in. Very hypocritical of me to say that to you when I'm not even acknowledging that now, but at this point I honestly hope you'd already have seen a therapist to work all this out-- and maybe get diagnosed already because we all know you're mentally ill girl 💆‍♀️ That took a turn for the more humorous side of me, and I'm glad it did. FutureMe, I hope you never lose your sense of humor, or your sense of wonder, or even your sense of hope. It's the only thing keeping us going right now. I'm not going to ask you any more questions, that's for all the other letters to FutureMe I'll be sending, but I guess I just want to part here by reminding you -- by reminding /us/ -- that we are loved, and that we deserve it. Happy 25th birthday, FutureMe. May this birthday be filled with light, love, friendship, and family, whether you're celebrating it at home or on a small island in Greece, a la Mamma Mia (hey, a girl can dream!) Signing this off the same way I've signed off every letter I've sent to you, which I realize now is basically our life philosophy, huh? just keep ur friends close, love u forever !! ❤️