A letter from February 11th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, It's currently 8:53 am and mind you, I haven't slept because.. well, you know how it is. you know how it used to back in those days. hahahhahahha I do hope that you no longer have this unhealthy sleep schedule at the time that you are reading this. I wanted to make this letter very short, kind of like a reminder of what you went through today and kinda remind you that I survived... again, on my own, from my own suicidal thoughts and very bad anxiety attack. Somehow this letter is almost three paragraphs hah so I'm just going to say what I want to say at the moment. Initially, I wrote this because I just really wanted to say that you didn't sleep on this day and that you cried your heart out because of, once again, a bad anxiety attack. You know the kind where I think about mom passing away because of her long time myoma that still hasn't been treated even though the doctors said that it was the largest they've ever encountered.. well, at least here in our place (which you don't live in this place now by the time you're reading this). I might've said I survived today but I'm realizing now the time is passing us by quicker than we ever thought it would because I remember vividly how January felt like yesterday. (In the blink of an eye, you're going to turn 19 this year of 2021 and we still haven't made any real-life accomplishments or progress.) meanwhile, I still can't grasp the idea that I am going to college this year and it's my turn to be the breadwinner of the family and that scares me a lot (and when I say a lot, I mean it more than anything) and makes me want to just die because I'm afraid that I'll never be as successful as my older sister who is working hard for us to have food to eat and a shelter to live in. Yep, that's basically what I was trying to say 3 paragraphs ago. I guess that would be all for now? This letter would be delivered to you after 5 years today. Seriously though, I'm so dumb right now I don't know how to talk to you and what tenses to use, assuming you are reading this in the future. Don't you ever forget that it's okay to cry!!! And I'm sorry for all the self-sabotage :( I love you, future self. If the future hasn't been kind to you, at least be kind to yourself. Take a bath, you know that has always helped me. Thank you for the patience. Talk to you at another time. <3 ALSO, DON'T HOLD BACK!!! PLEASE. AND CONFIDENCE IS KEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU! - relisa, 9:23 am // February 11, 2021