A letter from February 5th, 2021

Dear second love, second love person is the typa person that's a challenge to forget about. u know its gonna be 2 years, I've moved on. I been accepted the fact that both of us can't really be together, i'm okay with everything that ur happy now. I can't see it, but I know. but 2 years? it doesn't hurt but why does it get to me? I'm so mad at myself because why am I so bothered? trust me that it doesn't hurt anymore. but I feel so lonely ever since. maybe its because I was stuck in the thought that maybe, maybe.. u would've come back. but in reality.. I'm not ur home. idk why I'm crying right now,, how stupid is this. I've never cried over a guy. this is so embarrassing. I'm happy for you, u know. because u found ur happiness. and I know i'm taking so long to be with someone, but its also the fact that I know I can't be with anyone right now if I still had u in me. so please,, please if ur not really for me I hope God take this pain now. I still kept this drawing of urs that u never knew I hid. I don't understand how I can't fully threw it, what's stopping me? i'm sorry for making u feel like I didn't care about u, it was my trust issues from a person in the past who put my guard way up that I allowed no one to come in. cos I thought I wasn't capable to be loved because through out the years I was only with 1 person who made me feel that no one would've stayed the way he did. but after we separated ways, u came in so fast. and I thought it'll only a little crush. little did u know I already had a crush on u before I knew you, u didn't even knew me yet. I saw walking down the storage at work with a cart while u were on ur phone, and I was working at a different store but we had the same store storage downstairs. u didn't even look at me. but months passed I never saw u again. then one day, they said there was a new trainee that I had to train, and there was you. that's where it all started. feels so good to take a look back but painful to feel it all right now. years may pass and I forget about this, I hope one day,, when I have kids and they get their heartbroken I get to share our story. a story where it suddenly started but it had no ending. it'll always be us passing each other, with ur eyes I used to know of, but definitely not mines anymore. u were never mine. i'm sorry I never got to tell you that, I felt every glance, love, ur craveness for me with ur touch, ur energy, ur thoughts, what ur eyes says when they look at mines, I felt every bit of it. i'm sorry for pushing u away, I'll be forever grateful for you, I hope we both find happiness. take care, M.S.