A letter from January 28th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, Do you still love him? Do you still love the guy from your senior year AP Lit class? It's been three years now, and without fail, you declare that your one-sided love is finally over every other month, it seems. It also seems like it's a sad week again, and you're reminded of him for no reason. So Dear Future You, I might've declared in a letter earlier this month: "I let go of my claim on you, it's a free world," as a quote from Frank Ocean's song and also in solidarity with my friend's caption from her Instagram post at the end of 2020, referring to the ex she never got over. Likewise, you're someone I've never really gotten over, and I'm not sure why. I've been using this platform as a way to write letters to you, and I probably have about 25 letters written for you starting last year, thinking each one is going to be the last, but it never is. I have a separate email account created as the recipient of those letters. I also have physical letters written out for you too, and also pages and pages of journal entries as well. I have a playlist of songs that slightly remind me of you, and I listen to it when I feel sad thinking about you. For some reason, I just can't stop thinking about you, and I don't know why. I'm actually listening to the playlist right now, with tears in my eyes. Why do you still hurt me? I said I was over you. I was confident this time around too. I fell asleep yesterday because crying made me tired, so I'm continuing this a day later. I think of you often. I always wonder if you're doing well. But I'm sure you are though, you have a new girlfriend and you go to a really good university. You're smart and you're good at everything! From my point of view, I'm sure you have everything going for you. Which is why I don't belong in your narrative. I never did. I guess this could be seen as a little bit romantic in the way that I write love letters to you often. If this was reciprocated, it would be an incredible love story. Since it's not, it looks pitiful and probably creepy. But all I could really do is think of you until it gets too tiring. I wrote to you in your yearbook that, by chance, we might meet some day in the future. Maybe I was feeling a little insane, and very much delusional, because the chances of that happening are slim to none, unless we meet again through mutual friends. But I'd like to believe that it would happen some day. I hope we can run into each other some day without our mutual friends. I hope that one day we'd see each other, by chance, and ask to catch up some time. Maybe then, I'd be able to confess to you like I've always wanted to. I'm sure you knew, but I never had the chance to confirm it myself. Maybe in 5, 7, 10 years? Maybe then, we'd be able to actually become proper friends rather than just school friends. I never really wanted to date you, but if anything, I wished to get to know you better. I still do. I'm torn. There's been a hole ripped out of my chest the day I saw you for the last time. I really thought last year after graduation was the last time, but I saw you in August and as much as I thought I was over you, I woke up in tears the next morning. I remember crying hard for a whole hour. I haven't seen you since August 2020, and prior to that, the last time I saw you was June 2019. I know that the person I miss now isn't the same person as before, and the person I loved doesn't exist anymore. A lot has changed since June 2019, and at this point, I miss the idea of you. I miss you terribly. Sometimes I regret ever meeting you, knowing that I'm hurting this much. Other times, I don't regret it. You were my first love, after all. Intense emotions like these were bound to happen anyways, and I'm glad that it was for someone like you, at the very least. Also, how could I regret the feeling of unconditional, pure love? I loved you a lot, you know? Which is why it hurts so much. Back when I met you in May 2018, I didn't think I was going to fall in love with you, much less, feel attracted to you. Who would've thought? Is it possible that we could meet again by the time this letter gets published? Would it be possible that we could become actual friends by that time? Would it be possible if you could fall in love with me this time around? My common sense tells me it's nonsense, and I'm basically over you, but my heart is telling me I could wait. I could always wait. I'm good at that, it's been three years. What more is another 5? But I want to love again! I want to be loved this time. I want reciprocation. This hurts too much. Please let me go. Please, please, let me free. This hurts a lot and I need to let go, so please give me peace of mind. I'm begging you. I can't seem to let you go. It's like you've put a curse on me. I know why I never really got over you, but I finally come to terms with all of it. It's been too long too, so it just doesn't make sense for me to continue holding onto something so ridiculous. I wanted to leave you in 2021. I really did. But again, I'm crying over you yet again. I'll set the send date to May 31st, 2026. That would mark 8 years since the day I fell in love with you, more or less -- More than 5 years from now. We graduate in 2023. I'll go to grad school, and I'm sure you will too. So we should be living our own lives in 2026, I hope. Maybe that would be a good time to meet. Let's see each other again, when I'm no longer hurting. Please don't forget about me before then.