A letter from January 28th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, I got a message to my email reminding me to write a letter. Apparently I got this account back in 2018? I have a very blurry memory of it all. But I don’t remember what I wrote back then or when I’m suppose to get the letter. Oh well. I thought I might aswell send another one. Right now its 28 of january 2021. A bit of recap on what has happened in the world; ****. A bunch of ****. COVID-19 effected our world, ******* so many people. The dream trip to Englad that my mother promised us back when we were around 4-5, It was suppose to happen in spring of 2020. But like many things, COVID ruined that aswell. It’s been a rough year. Not only because if the pandemic but also because I have no one anymore. Starting gymnasiet is probably one of the worst things that could have happened to me right now. Alexandra and I don’t really talk anymore, and that alone sucks. And Klara and Alice have become way worse. They say such terrible things. Klara is a straight up bully who publicaly tried to shame me by secretly taking a photo of me on my phone, captioning it ”Hello I need friends” and posting it on my snapstory. Only two people of my class saw it, But I was horrified. I was close to crying but I held it back, I’ve started getting good at stopping myself from crying. Amanda is still really nice, But I’m never really alone with her. Which sucks. Also, I’m not sure when in 2018 I wrote here. But Grandpa has passed away. I miss him so ******* much. Every painting and drawing I finish, I always think to myself ”He would have loved to see it”. I still remember that time he so tenderly held the drawing I made of Jack Sparrow. He just silently looked at it for minutes. When everyone else would just take a glance and give a few compliments. He ADMIRED it, He made me feel talented and special. I miss it so much. But I guess that’s life. People pass away. Even the ones we love so dearly. God I’m so depressed. Not even music hits me deep anymore. I feel so empty. I have no friends at school now. I made 3 in the first year here, But they changed course and now I only see one of them twice a week at art class. Other than that, I’m always alone. I have only eaten at the lunch room like three times during the autumn. I don’t dare to go there and sit alone. I cant handle it. I cant handle any of it. I hate it so much and I wish it was just over. I have dreams of making something. Maybe being in a band or working in a movie. How am I suppose to do that when I cant even say hi to my classmates? What the hell is wrong with you Jessica? Also. I’ve started questioning my gender and *********. I don’t really feel like a woman. When I ask myself ”If you could go back in time and choose your gender at birth, what would it be?” I would have choosen to be a boy. I know that for sure. But now that I am 17, It’s more complicated than that. I’m not sure if I’m actually transgender, Because that step seems just too far. It’s all very confusing. But, It is what it is I guess. Im failing math class btw. I’m a dimwit. But **** happens. I don’t really havw any good news. The world is terrible, Life is terrible, I am terrible. I don’t feel loved by anyone. My dad was going to drive me to school one time and I went to sit in the front seat, He told me to sit in the back and let Max sit in the front instead. Which I guess was understandable since after dad had dropped me off, he’d take Max to work with him. So it made sense. But then one time when I was going to his work, Max wasnt there. But Emma needed a ride to school and she sat in the front. My dad said nothing. He didn’t care then. And another time when it was both me and Max joining for the entire ride, I asked if I could sit in the front. I was told to sit in the back. So conclusion, Dad loves Emma more. And cares for Max more than me. I feel me and my fathers relationship is becoming more and more strained. We argue all the time. I just want to move out. I cant handle being here when nobody seems to love me. Which is why I usually stay at my grandmas place during the weekends, To get away from the unfairness and the people who doesnt even seem to care anyways. I’ll have this letter delivered in 5 years. I so badly hope that things are better than. Please be better. Please be happy. Please stay strong. I’m not a believer, But I’m basically praying for a better life at this point. ****.