A letter from January 24th, 2021

To the future me, while writing this, my heart is aching. I try to contain the pain, while I'm laying in our bed, next to my youngest sister who has her back at me. Every night, I'll doubt myself. Everyday, I'll continue to bring myself down with my insecurities. I can't help but compare myself with others. I just want to shine like them. I want to stand out like them. I envy others. I envy a lot of people. This is just how I am. They say that one should love oneself. And that's true but it doesn't mean that it's easy too. Loving others seemed to be easier. Maybe because I know myself too well. I know reasons why I shouldn't be loved as much. That's why I can't love myself. Maybe this is how a lot of teenagers on my age feel too. I want my youth to be bright. I want it to be memorable. I want it to shine. But it is too hard. But I'll keep going, I'll keep walking and i will never stop. Since you're reading this, I just sincerely hope that you're happy. I hope that you finally learned how to love yourself. Your teenager- self's only way of letting her heavy heart breathe is this- to write letters for the future her. She wants you to remember everything that you've been through and how you got to wherever you are right now. She wants you to look back to all the happy and painful times of her life and be able to say that she is proud of you for coming this far. She is proud of you. Your 18-year-old-version failed to meet her expectations for herself, but she knows that, you as a grown woman can finally be what she longed to be. You can be what you she dreamt you to be. And you'll make it happen, you will make it all happen for your 18-year-old-self who used to be enthusiastic about the future. A teenager who failed to give herself a peace of mind. You'll prove her that she is wrong for not loving herself. You'll show her that you should be loved, you deserve to be loved.