A letter from January 21st, 2021: We are doing okay.

Hi beautiful, It's been a tough little while - things seem a little crazy, and your mind is feeling all over the place. I know, trust me, I've been there before, I'm currently typing this at work, feeling it now but things gets better, they will get better because they have to. You thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with Jordan, and that didn't work out, but then you met Tim, and everything changed, he made you gentle and kind. But he wasn't meant to be your forever, and that's okay too. After him, you decided to try your hand at "dating around" scared of monogamy, but more afraid of getting hurt. You spent a summer with Colin, and let him hurt you in ways that I'm assuming you probably still haven't fully come to terms with yet. His vile words and actions tainted you, but didn't break you - you came out of that "relationship" stronger and for that, you are grateful, not for the pain he caused but because of the strength you gained. Finally, Riley, if Tim couldn't be your forever, Riley had to be. Not because he was right for you, but because at 25 you didn't want to be alone any more. News flash, he wasn't right for you, far from it and it's okay to be alone. There is nothing wrong with being alone, which is what you felt the entirety of your relationship with him anyways. He wasn't romantic, he wasn't kind, he didn't treat you well, he didn't adore you like you wanted him too and he couldn't keep a promise. He broke you, just a little. Colin bruised you, and tainted you but Riley, broke you. To be fair, your family hated him too - but that's besides the point. He used your mental health as a weapon against you, always questioning your actions and motives, or even the moments where you would voice your concerns about him or your relationship just because you weren't acting the way he thought you should. He tormented you, and then blamed you for having a miscarriage. To think you found out you were pregnant, the day before you found out he was on Tinder matching with your good friend, Hannah, causing you stress and heartache which led to you losing your baby that Monday morning. But somehow, it was still your fault. Of course, you weren't going to tell him you were pregnant, you had a feeling the baby wasn't viable and wouldn't be welcomed into the world but not only because of that, but for the reason that he was still browsing his options when all you wanted to be was his choice. Having a baby with him would have destroyed you. He didn't love you, he loved the idea of you - the idea of having someone to love him and care for him. But you, were never meant to be his, and your baby was never meant to meet you. I mourn the loss, the "what if" and potential. I wonder what the child would have looked like, and what their personality would have been like but I'm not ready - I wasn't ready. It's been two months since you left Riley, after a year of dating, and multiple second chances, you left him and for that, I am so proud of you. I'm sure as I read this, five years down the line, I will feel the exact same way. I can't imagine myself being angry at past me, perhaps a little sad, still thinking of the potential but happy with the outcome. I wouldn't have wanted to bring a little one into that toxic environment anyways, not the way I want to welcome a child or have their life be. My own father ****** me up enough, would I really want to do that to my own? No. The answer is no, always, no. But now, things are changing. It's the beginning of 2021, January 21, 2021 to be exact and things are different. There is a calmness in the air, a happiness, a feeling of potential. It's not because you've met someone, or someone has reappeared in your life and caused an enormous amount of happiness, which I also won't be getting into detail about as I don't want to jinx it or be too hopeful in that regard, and it's not because you've gotten a full-time job or are on the verge of graduation (fingers crossed) but because for once, you believe in yourself. Men will come and go, they always do. Our mom was married three times, our mom has had to pack up and relocate and start over more than once. If she can accomplish all of that, survive cancer, and illness and still find it in her heart to believe in something bigger than herself - so can WE. Who knows where we will be five years from today, or even five years from five years in the future. All I know, is that I, currently, stuck in 2021 plan on letting the universe guide me to where I need to be so in five years from now, when I get this email, I can say that I believed in myself and that I let the universe lead me to exactly where I need to be. Hopefully, I'll be married, or at least engaged with a kid or one on the way. Hopefully, I'll feel some sort of fulfillment in that regard but if not - that's okay too. If that never happens in life for you, for us, that's okay too. As much as we want something sometimes, we don't always get it and it's not because you're too complicated or intense, it's not because you aren't willing to grow - sometimes, it's just because your person - isn't ready for you or your person, just wasn't meant to meet you in this lifetime. It's okay, to feel like this, lost and wondering, hopeful and sad. It's okay to look at your friends with babies, and engagements and even weddings and think, "Why don't I have this?" It's okay, because it isn't your forever thought. Focus on enjoying life, each moment, each day, focus on yourself and your well-being, focus on writing and painting and making something of yourself not for your family or friends, but for yourself. If no one has said this to you today, let me be the first: I believe in you. I always have, and I always will. I love you. Forever, Past Self