A letter from January 18th, 2021

Hi, This days have been complicated, even doing this feels like the most difficult task in the world but I want to thank you for surviving once again to whatever come your way. We are still stuck in that old relationship finding every day new excuses to continue by their side, I hope your in a better place now, we both know she is not good for us and never going to be, I know we can heal this and be able to love again, I hope your not as scare as I'm now about life. Our bedroom is still a mess, we are still eating very bad, we lost our first French class today and we cried all day to Drivers License thinking every minute about how you tried all in your power to be with her but she never care until now that we're in different countries with cero possibilities to be together and she blames it to the destiny. Is hard, I know. Today we realize how little we feel in this foreign country, we accepted for the very first time how broke is our soul after loosing everything and have to become an emigrant in a place that repeat you that you don't belong here. But maybe this is good you know? If we were still in survival mode we cannot be able to notice this, to feel it, and I know you hate to cry now because the tears are salty and make your skin dry after all the skin care **** you put in for avoid dryness and eczema but maybe, today, that's all we need. Today it feels impossible to stop feeling so small, so lost, so out of place. Today it feels impossible to have a normal life in this country and find friends and find love and enjoy life for the simple reason of being alive. Today I don't want to carry with all of this but I know it would no be fare with you to left everything for "tomorrow". I feel ashamed of everything I'm now but I hope you find the way to forgive me, love me and appreciate me for finding a way to become you. I'm trying my best to choose you, to change, to have a tidy room, to eat, to improve my relationship with life, to work in us, to heal and have better boundaries, to really wake up and be excited to be here and stop living only by watching others living in a social media. I know is only been three months, I don't hope you're perfect today but if you day look similar to this one maybe try again, if your day looks different thank you and you're welcome. With love, M.