A letter from January 15th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, I know you may never get this, or perhaps you will, but this is you before all the degrees and college stress. I am writing to you before you felt like the world may cave in any second for you. Before you're asking, I'm a 5'5" 101 lbs. African American girl who has creole ancestry and stays quiet oftentimes. I'm you, 15- almost 16 years old, with a cold demeanor and anxiety filled head. I'm you, the little girl who sits around and softly cries when she doesn't understand something, when she's feeling most alone because that's all she knows how to do, because she's never learned how to lean on someone else and call for help. I'm you, and I hope you chose to be better than what we were before. I hope you grew from the trauma that made us this way, I hope you grew from the hatred of those outside, those who turn their heads away in society. I hope you learned how not to be introverted, how to love, care, learn how to become empathetic and not shut down when an inconvenience happens. I'm you, the little girl who chose to get her doctorates degree in Zoology so she could become a snake milker, a job none of her family approved of except her mother. A job that she wanted because it would please her, for she loved animals and loved to work with them. I hope you understand now that our family truly does love us, and that we were just being brash and unwilling to understand when all those years they'd try to bring us down, for they never knew any better. You know, recently, our mom had a candle fall on her head and it conked her pretty hard. She's still moving around, it was funny while it happened, but I felt bad. However, she laughed it off. I know, or- I hope you remember it. I really hope you remember all these years with our mother, how nice she was to us. How approving, accepting, and caring she was. Do you remember the time when we fell asleep crying in her arms over the fact we had a panic attack? Remember how she hummed us to sleep? How she listed off everything around the house just to soothe our brain as it overloaded with thoughts and ideas, concepts we didn't understand at the time? I know you remember, it's a day that never left me. Want to know something important? I'm taking the ACT February, you know? God, I know that gave you severe anxiety just now. We have bad test anxiety, and we hate it with all our heart, but here we are. We're good test takers usually. I'll wing it. I think I'll do well, but only you know what I actually got. I have a pretty big goal, you know? I think you know, I think I'm still struggling with it. Apathy. I can't feel what others feel, I can't put myself in their shoes. It's hard to do so, I shut down and I can't feel at all, it's like I don't even care sometimes. I become so repulsive and I want to change. I want to change who I am because I want to be who I will be in 5 years. A confident person who's able to sympathize and understand a struggle, not judge and spit out the fact that I don't care. Do you remember our favorite teacher? Doctor Smith? I'm sure he's still alive when you're here, it's only five years. Get off your lazy butt and thank him for all the times he allowed your creative writing, you dunce! He's done so much, helping you express yourself for who you are and understanding questions that you've asked time and again. Thank you, Doctor Smith, you've inspired me in your class more than you know. I'm doing this now because knowing me- I'll never remember. I know I care about my mother, and someday I want to take her to Paris. I want to take her places where she will smile and never have to worry again, so I will start saving. I'll start getting my passport together, and save more. Future me, I hope- if you don't do ANYTHING else in this world, you BETTER take our mother to Paris, France. She deserves it more than anything, for she's done so much for us. She's cared so much. Loved, and been hurt so many times by those who she helps. She has a good heart, please. Please, take her there. That's all I ask. Did you know I never made a bucket list until this project existed? So here we go I guess... 1) Swim with dolphins 2) Take a picture of a penguin 3) See a puffin in real life 4) Become a snake milker 5) Create my own D&D campaign 6) Remove my anxiety disorder, or find healthier ways to cope. 7) Visit Germany. 8) Visit Rome 9) Visit Italy 10) Try out soccer 11) Have our mother teach me how to knit 12) Learn to hold my tongue 13) Find healthier ways to cope with minor depression 14) Get a degree in Zoology (Bachelors first!) 15) Understand how to get rid of apathy.